Tips on Helping Someone Deal With Loneliness

Do you know the 1966 Beatles song, ‘Eleanor Rigby’? Part of the song goes, ‘All the lonely people,
where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?’ Or, have you ever thought about the words to the Ralph McTell ballad, ‘Streets of London’?:
‘So how can you tell me you're lonely and say for you that the sun don't shine. Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London, I'll show you something to make you change your mind.’

The world is full of lonely people. Some people think that loneliness is not a feeling, but it is a disease that afflicts people. So many older people are lonely having lost partners, in fact the majority of people aged over 75 years live alone. Men are often lonelier than women. Women tend to share intimate details about their lives with each other, whereas men do not confide as easily. A UK study for the Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness found that 35 per cent of men feel lonely at least once a week. Another study found that chronic loneliness damages our bodies. It is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day and as dangerous as obesity. It increases the likelihood of a premature death by 25 per cent.

Young people become marginalised

Too many young people are lonely. Youth are disillusioned by our society and many never find full-time work or a connection to community. They end up marginalised. The Uniting Church released a fantastic report a couple of weeks ago on child poverty and social isolation, called ‘Poverty Social Exclusion and Disadvantage in Australia’. One in six Australian children live in poverty, but the report explains that being poor doesn’t just mean you lack material possessions. You also get pushed to the edge of society, even young children. “Disadvantage is much more than just poverty or lack of financial security,” explains Uniting Care Australia National Director, Claerwen Little. “Limited social engagement, connection, access and opportunity are equally detrimental to health and wellbeing.”

Today I wanted to blog on how to help lonely people. One way of supporting lonely or marginalised people is to donate to a reputable charity like the Salvation Army or Uniting Care that will make sure families are not isolated by their poverty, but children have good clothes and school books so do not feel conspicuous because they are poor.

What can do you on a personal basis to help the lonely?

Have you ever done an audit of your close friends, family and neighbours and tried to work out who, among them, could be lonely? It may surprise you to find out who is lonely. People who are surrounded by friends and family can feel lonely because they don’t feel anyone really understands them. Loneliness is almost invisible, but look for the signs. Do you have a friend that often feels sad, they complain that they aren’t sleeping well, they gain weight, they are constantly tired, or they are often angry? These can be symptoms of loneliness. What should you do? Ask them straight out if they often feel lonely.

If the answer is yes, I’d start reaching out to the person gradually. Do no swamp them with invitations, but subtly start to lure them out. Often lonely people have a low-sense of self-worth. You need to make this person feel valued. Just invite them out for a weekly walk with you, or a coffee to begin with.

Learn to listen with your body and soul

Lonely people need to be listened to, and being a good listener is a harder task than most of us realise. Listening means not interrupting, asking intelligent questions, turning your whole body towards them – smiling, making eye contact, mirroring their body signals. The lonely person will know they are truly heard.

When we find out that someone we care about is lonely, it is tempting to ask them along to all our social engagements. That may equate to dragging them to a party and dumping them in a room full of strangers. In the end this may make the lonely person feel worse. You have to be a very confident, outgoing sort of person to navigate a room full of strangers. It would be better to think carefully about which of your friends the lonely person might truly connect with. Do they share any hobbies or life experiences or values? If you identify someone, arrange a meeting, and perhaps inform your friend that the lonely person is feeling isolated and needs to make more social connections.

Ask them to tag along on a normal day

With lonely people, you could also from time to time just invite them to tag along with you when you are doing everyday chores. Ask them along when you are grocery shopping or running errands. Would they like to come over and just watch TV with you? You should also check in on your lonely friend frequently.

Ideally you should find out what the lonely person’s interests are. Are they a reader, a once tennis player, a great cook? What outings could you take them on that would resonate with these interests? If they are a reader could you join a book club together? They may have been a tennis player in their day, but would they consider getting into lawn bowls? What about enrolling in a new cooking class?

Loneliness is linked to depression

Loneliness is often linked to depression, so it’s important that you remain positive. Assure them this is a passing phase and they will come out of it strong and happy. If you are defeated and negative, it will only exasperate their situation. Use your energy and happiness to inspire them.

You may be comforting someone whose marriage has broken down. Remind them that not having a partner does not make them a lesser person. They are still valuable and special. I’m not a big animal person, but some people find having a dog or cat makes them feel less lonely. You could suggest this to someone who’s just coming out of a relationship.

Support them to stay healthy

People who suffer severe loneliness often start neglecting their appearance and hygiene. Remember this person has lost a sense of their self-worth and self-respect. You might need to help them stay physically fit – that means getting them out into the fresh air to walk. They also need to eat well and dress well. Take them shopping. You’ll have fun together trying on clothes. You could do this every couple of weeks and ask another friend along.

Be patient

My final piece of advice is to be very, very patient. Sometimes extreme loneliness is connected with depression, and these people will struggle to change and may become irritable and upset if you push them. In this situation you need to encourage and support them to get some professional help.