The Art of Negotiating – The Essentials!

When I think of negotiating I think of high-flyers like Donald Trump, who I was fortunate enough to meet once on a speaking tour. When I think about negotiating I think about powerful executives striking million dollar deals, but the reality is that if you have children, particularly teenagers, you are probably a very practised negotiator. In life we are constantly negotiating with all sorts of people in all sorts of situations, yet few of us have ever taken the time to think seriously about the art of negotiating.

What is a negotiation?

A negotiation is a formal discussion between people with different aims or intentions, during which they try to reach an agreement.

Before coming to write about negotiation I first looked at a parenting website, not because I want to write about negotiating with children, but because I wanted to return to the absolute essentials of good negotiating.

This is what the Raising Children website had to say about negotiating with teenagers:

1. Use a calm, warm and firm voice to set the tone. You don’t want to get into conflict. Yes, this is excellent advice whether you’re negotiating with a toddler or a business executive. Start out being friendly and amenable.
   
2. Actively listen, without interrupting. How can you actively listen? When I go to a formal meeting I sometimes listen by taking notes. Another way to actively listen is to summarise what the person is telling you. For example, when negotiating with a teen you may summarise their request, “You are saying you want to go to a party and not return home until 2am and you intend to drink alcohol.”
3. Outline what is and is not acceptable to you. This is quite straight forward, whether you are negotiating with a CEO or a teenager, just say what you can and can’t live with. For example, ‘I want you to have fun and see your friends, but I am not happy for you to be at a party with no parental supervision drinking alcohol’. If you reach an impasse, take time out. If things get tense, step outside or call off negotiations, and agree to reconvene when you have both calmed down.
4. Be clear about what you are not prepared to give up. When negotiating it is important to outline what you are NOT willing to surrender. That may be management control if brokering a business partnership or it may be the fact that you are going to pick your child up after the movies and not let him/her walk home in the dark.
5. Where possible offer up a range of options. If you are opening a new business outlet you could perhaps be flexible with locations. If your teenager is adamant that he wants to paint the walls of his bedroom black, you could instead offer to just let him paint one wall and perhaps the door black. Always look at what other deals are possible.
6. Keep indicating that you are keen to reach an agreement. In business you might say that it is a wonderful opportunity, and there is great potential for you both to grow. You might tell your teen that you know they want to chat to their friends on social media, but they also need to complete their homework. How much time on social media do they really need?
7. Take a break if things get tense. For example, ‘I need some time out, so let’s work this out after dinner’.
8. Once you broker a deal be clear about what you’ve agreed on. Whether you’re negotiating a million dollar business deal or your child’s curfew time, be clear about the agreement. Put it in writing and get both parties signature on the contract!
9. Outline what the consequences will be if the deal is broken. In business the consequences are a monetary penalty if you break a deal. You get sued! With children, it is usually a punishment involving deprivation. If they break their curfew they are not allowed to go to the next party. If they spend too much time on social media, their phone is taken away.
10. End the negotiations on a positive note, even if you can’t reach an agreement. Just because talks have broken down, doesn’t mean they won’t resume in the future. Keep your options open, never slight or attack someone because you don’t get your way! If you have reached your desired outcome then thank the parties for their time. When it comes to dealing with teens, thank them also for talking through the dilemma and showing maturity.

There are ten brilliant negotiating tips and they come from a parenting website. How do they compare with a manual for executives? Just for fun, let’s look at Donald Trump’s book, The Art of the Deal and see what he says about negotiating. Could we apply that to negotiating with teens?

1. Trump’s first piece of advice is think big! I guess that means as a corporate employee and as an entrepreneur you have to have ambitions and creativity. Perhaps these are not needed when dealing with teenagers!
2. Protect the downside and the upside will take care of itself. Trump says he always goes into a deal anticipating the worst. In a way this is akin to knowing what you can’t give up, what you can’t surrender – the deal-breakers. Trump says if you know where you stand, and are ready for the worst then the good will take care of itself. Another way of putting this is, anything else will be a bonus.
3. Maximise the options. Trump says he usually has a few deals going at once, as most deals do not pan out in the end. I’m afraid I can’t draw any parallels with negotiating with teenagers. You also have to stick by your children and find a way through tough times.
4. Know your market. Trump says he does a lot of his own research in business. You should always research extensively ahead of any negotiation or interview. If you are going to a job interview, (which is a negotiation – you have to see if you want the job), research everyone on the interview panel. Visit their LinkedIn website pages and look at their past projects.
5. Use you leverage. Trump says you never want to appear desperate in any negotiation. You have to show your strength. When negotiating with teenagers make it clear that you are the adult, for example you might say, “I want to support you in doing what you want, but I’m still responsible for your safety. So I need to know where you’re going and who you’re with.”
6. & 7. Trump also talks about using your location to impress in business (not relevant to teen talks). Trump recommends seeking positive publicity after brokering a successful deal. (Again not relevant to teens.) And he says you should fight back if treated badly in business. (When dealing with teens you must never fight back, but always remain the calm in control adult – as challenging as that is at times.)
7. 9. & 10. Trumps final pieces of advice are to deliver the goods, contain the costs and have fun. In business and in family life, deliver what you have agreed on. Do not try and alter a deal after lengthy negotiations. If you have agreed to deliver a service then make sure it happens on time and in budget. If you have agreed to allow your teen to go to a party, then don’t suddenly forbid them from attending. That would be an act of betrayal. In terms of containing the cost – any parent will tell you that it is terribly difficult. Having fun, equates to thanking everyone, respecting all parties and being willing to negotiate again in the near future!

Negotiating is an art, but an art form we can all learn. Key to great negotiating is staying calm and persisting. You will get there in the end!