The Do’s and Don’ts When Supporting a Friend in Crisis

Posted on: August 15th, 2017 in Mindset by Pat Mesiti | 1 Comment

My philosophy about life is that you are either just about to enter a crisis or you are just leaving one. It’s rarely ever smooth sailing. Have you ever supported a close friend going through a crisis? I’m eternally grateful to the friends who supported me through the tough times in my life, and if they should ever hit a bad patch I want to be there for them.

Don’t Look the Other Way

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do when your friends are suffering, but I want to share with you what I’ve learned in my life. First, don’t look the other way when you suspect that someone close to you is hurting. Men particularly try to respect each other’s honour so sometimes we don’t reach out to friends because we think they’ll be embarrassed. That’s wrong. If you think someone is in trouble ask them if they’re okay. Find the courage to reach out. Some people feel reluctant to help because they’re not on top of their own lives, but if someone is in dire straits it’s no good letting them flounder alone. Many people stop coping because they feel totally isolated and alone. Be a true friend – if a friend, family member or work colleague appears deeply unhappy, ask them if they’re alright.

Understand your Role

When helping someone in difficulty it’s also crucial that you understand your role. You are not there to ‘fix them’. You are not superman or superwoman. You are not there to repair their life, instead you are there to support them while they fix their own problems. Try to listen rather than give advice. Do not be judgemental. Remember we have all made mistakes and been stupid, so if a friend is confessing a mistake, do not tell them off and make them feel worse. If they have lost a job or their relationship has broken down, listen and let them know that you are sorry to see them suffering. Give them sympathy, be kind. Kindness is too often undervalued! Let that person know you are thinking of them. Phone frequently and ask how they are going. Buy a thoughtful gift – a funny DVD, an inspirational book. For people in grief, nights can be particularly difficult. You could drop by, or take them out for a meal.

Emphasize the Positive

Emphasise the positive in their life. When people feel despondent, they only see the negative and can’t see the situation clearly. As a friend, remind them that they have people who love them, their health and a bright future. Be patient with the person you are helping and encourage them to persevere. Your friend might want to tell you their story again and again and again. Remember, different people need different lengths of time to recover from set-backs but if weeks go by and there is still no improvement, you could suggest that they think about getting some professional help.

Ensure They Keep Functioning

Encourage the person to keep functioning. It would be a disaster if they lost their job. If they aren’t coping with work, they may need some time off. It is also a good idea to encourage them to care for themself, to eat and exercise and keep up their appearance. Often after a relationship breakdown, we cease to bother about our appearance, but at this stage it pays to try to look your best. That helps to reinforce self-esteem.

Don’t Try to Fix Them

Again, you must recognise your role as a support person, not a problem solver. You are not there to ‘fix’ them – there is only so much you can do. If you are concerned that the individual has a mental health problem, most countries have a helpline you can call.

Acknowledge You Can’t Help Everyone

It is frustrating but there will be times in your life when you can’t help someone feel better, despite all your best intentions. You can’t help the person who thinks they don’t have a problem! This is true of alcoholics, drug addicts and people with other types of addictions, who deny there is a problem. You can’t help the person who thinks that you’re their problem. Sometimes people in crisis look for a scapegoat – a person who is wrongly blamed for the mistakes or hurts they’re feeling. If you are being blamed, the best action is usually to retreat. You are going to have to let someone else assist this individual. You can’t help a person who won’t apply a principle to the problem. If the person is not prepared to look at the bigger picture and come up with a rationale plan for tackling their problem, you can’t do it for them. It is annoying but sometimes you can’t get a big idea into a small mind. You can’t help a person who refused to see beyond their problem and plan for their future. We all need a life plan – a passion, but if someone is lost and has no idea what they want from life, we can’t dictate their future. Unfortunately you just have to let them figure it out alone, but it is okay to remind them how wonderful the world is, and that they have talents and interests they could pursue. Finally, you can’t help someone who won’t invest time, money and energy into solving their problem, but expects you to! I always say that you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. Do not take on lost souls as ‘projects’. You can support and love friends in crisis, but you can’t fix them. You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you acknowledge that you aren’t in control of the person’s life, however you can show them love and compassion.

Listen

Do not tell the person in crisis that you know how they feel. We all react differently and you might not totally understand what they are going through. Again, better is to listen.

Be cautious not to burn yourself out trying to care of someone in crisis. You need to establish boundaries. You might feel for your friend, but their problems should not impact on your health, work or family.

When helping someone in crisis, remind them what Shakespeare said, “This too shall pass”. I believe that if you add time to every crisis what you end up with is humour. After a while, it’s possible to see the funny side of difficult situations, but it’s hard to appreciate that when you’re actually suffering. Also, adversity is a great teacher. Be kind to your friend but gently tell them that every dark cloud has a silver lining. Some good comes from all of life’s challenges.

ABOUT PAT MESITI

Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.

 

  1. Dee Garside says:

    Hi Pat & Team,
    Great article.
    I’m needing to contact your group re. a lovely person who has come though your course; Esme Chin, an author in ‘Pardon Me, I’m Prospering’.
    She lost her Mum this week. Still came to Property Women’s seminar Tues in Syd. Mmm! Her energy at your Syd seminar was low then. Many Thanks, kind regards Dee Garside

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