How Do We Know When a Change is Right For Us?

Posted on: June 4th, 2017 in guide, Mindset by Pat Mesiti | No Comments

In my last blog I wrote about how to embrace life’s changes, but today I want to look at how to go about actively making changes in our lives. How do we know if and when a change is right for us? I know of a woman, who read that the Australian author Kathy Lette disliked cooking and she got fed up with her family’s expectation that she provide dinner every night, so she got rid of the dinner table. My friend had teenagers and a husband who did not do their share of housework and she’d had enough of tidying up after them and cleaning the house, so she sold the family home! Yes, this is a true story. The family moved into a much smaller townhouse, with less housework, but everyday my friend misses the beautiful house she sold! Perhaps selling the house to avoid house work and show her family she’d had enough was a rash decision – an unnecessary change? But who am I to judge?

Escape-based Decision Versus Target-based Decision

We have all been in bad situations – situations that are depressing and demoralising and we’d do anything to get out of that state. Clearly my friend was very upset that her husband and children were not pulling their weight around the house and she got to the point where she believed that the only ‘out’ was selling the place. She was running away from something rather than to something. Every time we are about to make a major decision we need to ask ourselves if we are running towards something or away from a situation that is causing us pain. Dr Phil, the renowned US TV psychologist, calls this escape-based decision versus target based decision. My friend did want to live in a small townhouse, but was absolutely desperate to escape the domestic drudgery that had become her life. Escape-based decisions usually turn out to be poor decisions. Unfortunately people frequently make escape-based decisions. Too many single people are tired of being lonely, tired of always being the single one so they team up with someone who isn’t right for them because they can’t cope with being alone any more, then they find themselves in an unhappy marriage. They’ve made an escape-based decision.

Follow your Passion

People do this in their career as well. They hate their job so they look for new employment and then accept the first position that is offered to them, because they are desperate to escape their job! Unfortunately 12-months later, they find the new company is no better and in some cases worse! They’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire. In encouraging people to pursue their passion this year, I’ve been encouraging them to do just that – make a target-based decision and go after something they really want – a passion! Life is too short to be in an unhappy job, but do not start up your own business just to quit your job. To succeed in small business your heart must be in it – it has to be a passion.

Escape-based decisions rarely turn out for the best, but target-based decisions have a much better chance of being successful. In life do not allow yourself to be a victim, to be fleeing what you hate. Instead identify what you want and actively pursue it!

Once you have decided to make a major life change (a target-based decision), such as beginning a new relationship or starting up your own business, remember that even planned changes are not easy to manage. Try to start small and test the water. Is there any way of easing yourself into the situation? Can you keep your old job while you start your online business? If you are contemplating moving, could you rent out your old house and a rent a house in your target area before buying, just to ensure the area lives up to your expectations? Try to avoid change being forced upon you. Aim to keep control of the situation. Do not change too many aspects of your life at once. If you are starting a new business, avoid moving house and having a new baby in the same year. That would definitely stretch your resources.

Expect Things to Go Wrong

When making change, expect things to go wrong. Nothing ever goes completely as planned. There will be mistakes, setbacks, problems and trials. That’s life! Nothing worth doing is ever easy. Be patient and always keep your end goal in mind. Before embarking on any major change, draw up an action plan and plot every step. What emotional support will you get during this phase of change? Do you have friends and family who will listen to you and help you ‘debrief’? You need to pin your plan up in a place where you’ll see it every day. On this plan you should also write the reasons why you are undertaking change. Why is it important to you? What do you hope to achieve? Why is it necessary?

Sustain your Motivation

Change – even planned change – is challenging. You must sustain your motivation. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, exercise. Remember, you will need the support of friends and family as you negotiate new territory. Also expect your motivation to ebb and flow. You will have good days and bad days, but remember why you are making the change. Keep looking at that plan and stick with it. When you draw up your action plan, you should give yourself timetables. If you want to move house, rent for a definitive period – perhaps a year – if after 12-months you still don’t feel at home in the new neighbourhood, you may decide the change or move is not in your interest. Set a timetable to accomplish or at least test if the change is right for you. Give your online business a set time period to turn a profit.

See Change as a Progressive Experiment

Adam Sicinksi in an article on change on IQ Matrix said when facing change pessimism is a trap to be avoided, even if things are going wrong. He wrote “See the process of change as a progressive experiment that you are working through. Yes, things will not always go as expected. However, it’s an experiment. Experiments often don’t go as expected, however the scientist doesn’t quit.”

Take Responsibility

Finally, if your change is not successful you still have to take responsibility for your decision. Yes, it was your choice to make this change, because as that old saying goes, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Congratulate yourself on having the courage to shake up your life. The philosopher, Henry David Thoreau said that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation and if you’ve instigated a big change to your life, you are not a quiet person leading a life of desperation, you are a brave person willing to undertake change.

When we make changes, either successful or unsuccessful, we learn life lessons and these lessons help us succeed in making future changes, but most importantly when making changes be sure you are running TO something, never away from something.

ABOUT PAT MESITI

Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.

 

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