A friend of mine recently met the great Australian author Tim Winton. Winton is no oil painting. He is just an ordinary looking guy, but my friend said when she got to the front of a book signing queue and actually met him something strange happened. His entire focus seemed to be on her. His smile was just for her and all of his attention was on her – he asked her direct questions about why she was buying his book. They only interacted for a couple of minutes, but in those minutes my friend said the room seemed to darken and she felt that a bright spotlight shone only on her. She felt blessed by the attention of this fabulous author and came away feeling weak at the knees! Al l I can say is that Tim Winton must have charisma!
Tim Winton is an incredible man. The National Trust has named him a Living Treasure. He has won Australia’s top writing prize, the Miles Franklin Award, four times and twice been nominated for the world’s top literary award, the Man Booker Prize, but that is not what took my friend’s breath away. Tim Winton noticed my friend, he focused on my friend and made her feel important and special. Too often we think you are either born with charisma or you’re not. That is untrue. Charisma is a skill and like any skill, is something that can be learned. Of course it helps if you have fame or beauty on your side, but I still argue that charisma can be acquired. There are ways you can learn to present yourself as more magnetic and likeable.
1. Be engaged with people
To become more charismatic you have to learn the art of being present. You have to truly engage with other people. You have to make the other person feel like they are the only person on the planet. The rest of the world has to recede into darkness and your interest needs to shine on them like a bright light. Basically you shower the person with your attention, and in that moment they feel very special, very important.
In life it is easy to become self-obsessed and to spend a great deal of time talking about yourself. Charismatic people shut down their ego and let other people talk. They pay attention to every word coming out of the other person’s mouth. You might even want to pretend that you are watching a film and trying to unravel the main character. Do nod occasionally, to demonstrate that you are focused and engaged with the person you are talking to, and ask questions that invite the person to speak more about him or herself. Charismatic people appear confident and contained because they are not big talkers.
Focus on other people but make contributions to the conversation. Contribute by making one or two remarks demonstrating that you have heard them. You make a comment that demonstrates you have heard the essence of what they are saying. For example if they are telling you about a new phase of their life, encourage them and wish them all the best. If they are describing a challenge, applaud their tenacity and wish them the best for the future. The first step to charisma is always to engage with others.
2. Exude confidence
Confidence and good humour also puts other people at ease and inspires trust. Confidence is demonstrated as positivity. A confident person is not a sceptic but an idealist. To appear confident and charismatic, you do not criticise other people or politicians or even places. Instead you focus on the good and the blessing around you. Your cup is always half full, never half empty!
Confident people are also at ease making decisions. When making personal decisions they do not tend to weigh up the pros and cons out loud, they do not vacillate but instead are sure footed and know what they want. They do not wax and wane.
As managers, charismatic people are prepared to listen to others. They are not threatened by opposing viewpoints, but happy to take on board new theories and outlooks. They way up all the evidence before drawing conclusions.
To appear confident it does help to dress the part and speak with conviction and even humour. Charismatic people can look others in the eye. Try holding eye contact with people just a second longer than you normally would when working on your charisma levels. This again lets them know that you are truly engaged.
Another trick to developing charisma is to use your body to demonstrate your feelings. Think about an actor you like. No doubt this person will appear very at ease in their body. They will have their own special way of gesturing – some cute little shrug for example. How do you use your body to show your feelings? Do you speak with your hands from time to time?
As I said before, charismatic people come across as confident and sure footed. Another trick to appearing confident or certain is to wait a couple of seconds before speaking, even if there is a gap in the conversation. This creates the impression that you have thought about what you are saying, and those couple of seconds give you time to think clearly about what you are about to say!!!
My final tip on developing charisma is simply “put your stuff away”. Put your phone away, put away any distractions and give yourself over to the person you are talking to. Also put away your personal problems and focus on the other person’s life. Put away all your issues and give, rather than take!
ABOUT PAT MESITI
Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.