How to Master the Art of Having Interesting, Engaging Conversations

Posted on: January 14th, 2019 in Mindset, Uncategorized by Pat Mesiti | 2 Comments

In a recent blog I looked at how to create a rapport with people you’ve just met. I covered a lot of ground. I suggested doing your research prior to meetings to learn more about individual and their interests – research the person on social media (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn). I also suggested using positive body language and workshopped how to listen actively (ie ask questions). Today I want to discuss people skills and investigate how to engender good conversations with new acquaintances. I thought it would be nice to begin the year by improving our people skills.

Learn how to listen

Perhaps it’s ironic, but the first rule to learn about having great talks is when to be quiet! To be a good conversationalist you also have to be a good listener. Listen with your heart and soul to what the other person is saying. Don’t be distracted thinking about what you should say next or you’ll miss out on what the other person is trying to tell you. Never check your phone or other devices. Be respectful and give them 100 per cent when you are chatting.

Don’t be a phony

Be real when engaging with others. I was once told that the most important rule to great conversation is, be genuine and be genuinely interesting. Express yourself truthfully, not confrontationally. Don’t put on airs and graces or a false front when meeting others.

Don’t be judgemental

It is never a good idea to make hasty judgments. You don’t know what has happened in the lives of others so you are really in no position to scowl or disapprove or look down on them. Matthew 7:1-6 advises us: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” 

Look for ice-breakers

Study the person you are talking to for conversation starers. What are they wearing? A football jumper, a badge with a slogan, designer jewellery? What follow up questions could you ask? How long have you supported the Magpies? What does that slogan mean? Where did you get your jewellery? Find a topic that the person you are talking to likes, and ask about it. It can be: What are your favorite TV shows? How do you spend your time when you are not at work? More importantly, what do you do for fun? What are you passionate about? Ask open ended questions – why do you like that, how do you do it, etc.

Be across current affairs

I would avoid diving head first into a political conversation however it pays to be across the latest news so you have a couple of conversation starters up your sleave. Also if a conversation becomes political you will at least be able to keep up! Talking about colourful or unusual events in the national or local news is a great way to get a conversation moving.

Be ready to go with a couple of yarns

If you know you’ll be spending a lot of time with one person or a group, have at least a couple of stories up your sleave. For example, if you are going to a conference or on a road trip with people you don’t know well, the time will go more quickly if you think of at least a couple of conversation topics for the occasion. Even if you are going on a date, have at least three conversation points ready in case the conversation stalls. What have you found interesting this week? What has excited or angered or just entertained you this week? Talk about a book you've recently read, something you overheard or an interesting experience you have had. Have you been on a trip or had a great meal at a restaurant?  

Silence is acceptable

Don’t get into a panic over the odd pause. It doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t have anything in common. Sometimes silence can you give a chance to think or just feel comfortable in each other’s company.

Know how to wind the conversation up

Usually we can only talk to strangers for a finite time. Even if you like a new person, you usually only want to engage for a limited time, especially at a party where there are lots of people to talk to. But when do you break off the conversation? A diplomat once told me that when you are at a function never fill your glass – only have a couple of mouthfuls in your glass. When you are ready to wind up the conversation, just drain your glass and then excuse yourself, explaining that you are off to get another drink. It is okay to also explain that you’ve spotted someone you know and are off to say hello. When the conversation has run its course, do not be afraid to break and go on your way.

Be politically correct

I’m sorry to break this to you, but a great many people out there are acutely sensitive and easily offended. There are a great many subjects that offend. Do not go near contentious subjects with new acquaintances. Reserve these topics for discussion with your closest friends.

You don’t have to be the life of the party

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You don’t have to be the life and soul of the party. If you run out of conversation, try to lure people nearby to join your group. It will refresh the conversation and send the exchange in a different direction.

Always acknowledge people around you. For example you wouldn’t have a conversation with someone without introducing yourself to a spouse standing silently on the edge of the conversation.

Becoming a good conversationalist takes practice

The truth is that the art of conversation is an art. You have to practise to get really good at it. Have you read the classic novel Pride and Prejudice?Darcy admits to not being a good conversationalist: “I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,” said Darcy, “of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.”

But Elizabeth chastises him, saying that he’s not good at conversation because he doesn’t bother to practise, just as she has failed to practise the piano enough: “My fingers,” said Elizabeth, “do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women’s do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault—because I would not take the trouble of practising.”

I recommend that you take the trouble and practise the art of conversation frequently!

ABOUT PAT MESITI

Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.

 

  1. Elaine Mills says:

    Fantastic article. I’m learning to take the time to read your articles.

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