How to Let Go of Shame and Guilt and Embrace the Future

There is not a single person on this planet who has not done something they are ashamed of. Part of the human condition is feeling shame and guilt … to a degree. However, you have a problem if you are so overwhelmed by these sentiments that you can no longer function in the present.

Have you ever read anything by the great Oxford literary scholar, CS Lewis? I love what he had to say about dwelling in the past.

“We must beware of the Past, mustn’t we? I mean that any fixing of the mind on old evils beyond what is absolutely necessary for repenting of our own sins and forgiving those of others is certainly useless and usually bad for us. Notice in Dante that the lost souls are entirely concerned with their past! Not so the saved. This is one of the dangers of being like you and me, old. There’s so much past, now, isn’t there? And so little else. But we must try hard not to keep on endlessly chewing the cud. We must look forward.”

Do you look forward or do you look back? 

You know what I always say, spend all your time looking through the rear view mirror and you will crash your car! You may think you also have too much past but you need to resist endlessly chewing the cud. Repent, forgive yourself, ask your God for forgiveness, make restitution to those you’ve hurt then move on!

Easier said than done, you may say. Believe me, I get that. Guilt and shame are two of the heaviest emotions you can carry. Guilt is usually the immediate reaction to bad behaviour, shame comes later. Guilt is that heavy sense of knowing you’ve done wrong, shame is a sense that we are no longer worthy and need to hide away from others. Both feelings are destructive. The only cure is self-forgiveness.

I often find that people who feel shame are very emotionally generous to others. They are willing to forgive others for hurting or cheating them yet won’t grant themselves forgiveness.

Did you know that if you are constantly overwhelmed by feelings of shame and guilt you are impeding your own progress? How can you grow and learn if you are totally preoccupied beating yourself up? You are limiting your potential. If you heart is full of negativity and poison you will not be free to truly love and give to others. 

There are some steps you can take toward self-forgiveness:

1. Self-understanding

Where were you at in your life when you behaved badly? Perhaps you were grieving and angry? If you lashed out at someone, perhaps it is because you came from a home where violence was acceptable? Perhaps you were under great emotional and psychological stress? I am not encouraging you to let yourself off the hook. Rather if you understand the factors that prompted your behaviour you are less likely to offend in the future. Do you have an addiction to shopping because your parents never loved you and you are trying to fill an aching need? Place your wrong doing in context. Approach your failings rationally not emotionally. Admit that there were mitigating factors.

2. You are only human

I began this blog by saying humans are flawed, humans behave badly, humans sin. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” That means you and me and everyone else we know. 

Everyone has carried out deeds they are truly ashamed of, but functional people forgive themselves and move on. I love what the nun and writer Maude Petre said, “True confession consists of telling our deed in such a way that our soul is changed in the telling it.” Please ‘tell your deed’ to yourself in such a way that your soul is changed and you are freed. Break the chains of guilt and shame.

3. Earn your forgiveness

They say that sorry is the hardest word, but if you are racked with guilt and shame then you need to utter those words to the person you have wronged. An apology has three components. You need to state that you truly regret your actions and the pain they have caused. You need to admit you were 100 per cent responsible. You may have spent some time thinking about the context of your mistake, how your childhood or a thinking pattern contributed to your mistake. Don’t share this with the victim of your wrongdoing – just own your mistake! Finally, state that you are willing to try to make amends, even though you realise you can’t undo the past. How can you make amends? Should you pay financial restitution? Should you give up something you love? Should you offer to support the person in some capacity in the future?

You may run into problems if the person you hurt won’t forgive you. I’m afraid that means you are going to have to work even harder to forgive yourself. I suggest writing a letter to the person you have hurt. Next write a letter to yourself – berate yourself, write down the ugliness you committed, think long and hard about what you did – then destroy this letter. Burn it, drown it or shred it. Make it a ritual act of destruction. This is an emotional cleansing – you need to forgive yourself and let it go.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process. You need to be kind to yourself. Do things you like, spend time in nature: walk on the beach, pick flowers, meditate. If you have faith, pray! Come on, you know the prayer – forgive us our sins as we forgive others. Finally focus on the present and leave your past behind.

Remember when you were born you were given a one-way ticket through life – you cannot go back and live in the past.