How to Deal With Difficult Family Members

Did you watch the marriage of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle? Even if you are not a royal fan you would have heard something of the shenanigans of her family in the lead up to the wedding. Her brother penned an open letter urging Prince Harry not to marry her. Her sister said ghastly things about her on television, and her father was busted posing for paparazzi photos and pocketing $180,000 … which he may have then spent on medical expenses as he had a heart attack the following week. I felt incredibly sorry for Meghan. There are difficult people in every family, but can you imagine having to suffer the media reporting on this? It’s a gross violation of privacy. It’s a downside to being an international celebrity. I’m sure Meghan Markle can testify to that!

Do you have a narcissist father? An over-controlling mother? A jealous sibling? Well, you are not alone, but what is the best way to cope with these people? Are they capable of change? Should you continue seeing them? How can you protect yourself from their poor behaviour?

I do have some strategies that may help you.

1. Accept who this person is.

It’s easy to be angry with a difficult person. It is also natural to feel injured by their poor behaviour, but is that going to change anything? Often the best option when dealing with a difficult person (family or not) is simply to accept them for who they are. Your aunt may have stolen your father’s inheritance and then she behaves as though butter would not melt in her mouth. I’m sorry, but it’s unlikely the woman will ever change. You may choose never to see her again, or you can choose to accept her as she is, she is still your aunt. You know that old story about the frog, which carries a scorpion across a flooded river? The scorpion bites him half-way across the river. The dying frog asks the scorpion why he did it as they will both drown. ‘Hey. I’m a scorpion,’ says the scorpion. It is wise to recognise and accept the scorpions in your family.

2. Distance may not be the solution

You may decide you need distance from troublesome people in your family, but think carefully before going down that road. I know a man, who had been estranged from his mother for years, and when his mother died he was devastated. This man found he loved his mother much more than he realised. He was grief-stricken and had a sense that there was unfinished business between himself and his mum. He deeply regretted stepping out of her life. The Lord’s Prayer says, ‘Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us’. Maybe God is asking us to forgive, not for the sake of others, but for our own sake! God does not want us to be left grief-stricken or feeling incomplete after losing a family member we never reconciled with. Accept the less than perfect members of your family, and ask for God’s help to love them anyway!

3. Look for the best in difficult people

Even the most ghastly characters have some redeeming qualities. Your jealous sister might also have a great sense of fun. Focus on doing fun things with her, and steer her away from her jealousies and regrets. Remember difficult people weren’t born difficult. They have suffered hurts and disappointments and have been unable to come to terms with them. They have allowed these setbacks to change them. Remember they are not living fulfilled happy lives, but making it up as best they can. Try not to be too judgemental and critical.

4. Set some boundaries

I have talked about the dangers of throwing people out of our lives, but that does not mean you can’t set boundaries to protect yourself. If you find some situations with difficult relatives stressful, avoid them! If you find some conversations painful, change the subject, steer the talk away from that area. If you are really distressed by a mode of behaviour, tell the family member to stop or you will leave. Go if they continue.

The difficult family member may also try to bait you. Be prepared. Aim to stay calm and reasonable. Do not become defensive or angry. Watch out for triggers. From past experience you should be aware what triggers fights. Be ready to deal with these triggers and move away without confrontation. Also remember that your troubled relationship is not usually about you, especially if you have had a difficult relationship with a parent. You know this is not because you were a ‘bad child’ or inadequate in any way. This is about your parent’s past hurts. It’s sad but you may have suffered as a child because your parent has not come to terms with their past and healed. Refuse to feel guilt or shame. You can feel sad, but now you just have to accept that the past is past.

5. Bring reinforcements if possible

You might decide to mostly see the difficult family member in the company of others. This is okay, but at some point you will find yourself alone with them. If you are able to, listen to what they have to say. Difficult people can become more difficult and aggressive if they feel they are being ignored or silenced. Brace yourself for the onslaught. Do you have the strength to respect that they see the world differently to you?

Everything I have outlined is hard. It is so challenging to deal with a difficult family member, especially when there is a long history of pain. Other helpful hints include using the word “I” in discussions, for example “I feel upset by statements like that”. This means you are taking responsibility for your reaction, and refusing to let the difficult person control you. Also it implies that you have moved past blaming them for your distress.

Take care and be strong in your dealing with difficult family members. After interactions with these family members, it is a good idea to catch up with the people you love. They will help restore and reinforce your self-worth. Take it slowly and, above all, be kind to yourself.