How old were you when you ‘grew up’?

I read a great article on the BBC website which reported that scientists now classify adolescence as lasting from the ages of 10 to 24, although when I was young you stopped being a teenager at 19, if not sooner! I guess in Australia people legally become an adult at 18, but it used to be 21 years of age.

The BBC article I read was reporting on a medical paper recently published in the Lancet Child and Adolescent Health Journal. The lead author was Professor Susan Sawyer, director of the centre for adolescent health at the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne. Prof Sawyer and her colleagues argue that young people continue their education for longer, and delay marriage and parenthood, consequently the beginning of adulthood has been pushed back to 24 years of age.

The paper said that puberty begins when part of the brain starts releasing a hormone that activates the body's pituitary and gonadal glands. This used to happen around the age of 14 but has dropped with improved health in the developed world to around the age of 10. However the body of young people is still developing beyond the age of 20. The brain continues to mature beyond the age of 20, learning how to work faster and more efficiently. Some people's wisdom teeth don't come through until the age of 25. The average age of marriage in Australia is now 30 for women and 32 for men. In 1940 the average age was 26.5 years for men and around 24 for women.

Responsibilities occur later

“Although many adult legal privileges start at age 18 years, the adoption of adult roles and responsibilities generally occurs later,” wrote Prof Sawyer. She says delayed partnering, parenting and economic independence mean the ‘semi-dependency’ that characterises adolescence has expanded. She believes that youth support services until the age of 25. The proportion of 20 to 24-year-olds living with parents in Australia grew from 41.4 per cent to 43.4 per cent between 2011 and 2016.

Are you a middle-aged child?

How old were you when you ‘grew up’? Do you feel like an adult now or are you a middle-aged child? We have all encountered people who’ve never grown up and taken on life’s responsibilities. I know people who have never left home, held a full-time job or had a romantic relationship! They are a type of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up.

Dr Robert Firestone has written a very good paper for the Psychology Today website on six attitudes that differentiate true adults from adolescence. I’ll try to summarise his findings.

• Rationality:

Everyone gets emotional at times, but adults act rationally. They do not act on impulse. They can tell the difference between a feeling and an intellectually considered approach. Adults know what their core values are and try to live by them. People with a child’s frame of reference overreact to events that are insignificant in the scheme of their lives, and fail to respond to events that are important to their well-being.

• Setting goals

Adults know what their priorities are. They know what is important to them and what they want to achieve in life. They set goals and take action to achieve their goals. In adolescence, people are still trying to figure out who they are and what they want. They drift through life with no direction, frequently changing jobs, not saving and achieving very little.

• Respectful relationships

Adults conduct fair and respectful relationships. People in extended childhoods seek out a partner who will play the role of a mother or father and clean up their messes (metaphorically and in reality). They may also blame their partner for anything that goes wrong, because again they see their spouse or partner as a parent who must meet all their needs. Dr Firestone writes, “People whose actions are based primarily on the adult mode relate to each other as independent individuals with considerable give and take in terms of reciprocal need gratification.” Adults can give and take. In a grown-up relationships both people’s needs a met. One person does not need to sacrifice their ambitions or desires for the other.

• Assertiveness

Adults are proactive and assertive. They are not passive and dependent. They don’t feel hard-done by or victimised by life. They accept situations for what they are and work to make the best of what they have. They do not complain or expect others to rescue them. They face their problems and come up with solutions rather than depending on others for help.

• Open and honest

Emotionally mature adults do not react with anger to feedback. They can take and reflect on negative commentary. They are open to exploring new ideas and welcome constructive criticism. If you want to expand your self-knowledge and self-awareness, you need to listen to what other people have to say about your behaviour, and yes, sometimes that hurts. A grown-up knows who they are, both the positive and negative aspects of their personality, and has a realistic perspective of themselves in relation to others. As an adult you should know what motivates you and be open analysing your mental health and be prepared to improve it.

• Self-disc​​​​ipline

Adults seek to have control over their thoughts and feelings. They are not at the mercy or their surroundings or feelings. They change any behaviour or characteristics that they dislike in themselves, such as being overweight or abusing substances. Adults know they are responsible for their destiny.

The Peter Pan Syndrome

People who never grow up feel powerless and at the mercy of others and negative circumstances. They are also controlled by their feelings. They feel helpless and scared. They do not have the strength or know-how to take control of their lives.

Some people, who never grow up, spend their entire lives blaming their parents or families for what went wrong. Even if you have had a disastrous childhood, there comes a point when you need to say, ‘The past is in the past. It’s gone, I can’t change it, but the future is MINE, and it’s down to me now to make the best of what I’ve got.’ Just accept that your parents were flawed, they may have been totally hopeless, but they are no longer responsible for you. It’s all down to you now!

Being an adult in an adult world means taking responsibility for your finances. You don’t run up bills you can’t pay. It means being respectful to other people. Don’t make promises you can’t keep! And don’t spend your adult life looking for someone to take care of you, instead BECOME someone who can take care of yourself.

Good luck!