It’s that time of year when we are all out and about, attending parties and drinks, going to see carols, maybe even slipping in a couple of church services. I am catching up with a lot of different people. Sometimes I forget how many people I know, but the truth is that my core group of close friends is small. Even though I know lots of lovely people, there is only a handful of people I trust implicitly and would call on in a time of crisis however I can’t claim that I have a ‘best friend’. There are a couple of key people who I admire and respect and believe I have a great deal in common with, but It’s dangerous to declare someone your best friend and expect them to meet most of your needs. That load is too much for one person. You need a handful of friends to share your life with. I think it’s even dangerous to make your spouse your best friend. Of course the most important relationship in your life should be with your spouse, but you also need people outside of the marriage you can call on for advice or support in tough times. At the end of the day you need to be your own best friend. What do I mean by that? Being your own best friend means you have the internal resources to comfort yourself in tough times, make crucial decisions and trust your decisions, and work through problems on your own. But if you want to be best friends with yourself you need to ‘work’ on yourself constantly. You need to attend to your emotional, physical and spiritual health on a regular basis.
How to be your own best friend?
To start off, best friends know each other inside out. They know their strengths and weaknesses. How well do you know yourself? Perhaps you have invested some time working out who you are. You may have seen a life coach or a counsellor, you may have read a number of books on how to achieve in life, but keep in mind that ‘knowing’ yourself is an ongoing process. When was the last time you wrote down your thoughts and analysed them? How much time do you spend alone with your thoughts? Do you meditate regularly or pray? The more time you spend getting to know yourself, the more comprehensively you will understand what YOU need, and to be able to deliver it!
Spend time exploring where you are at
If you feel that you have not spent enough time caring for your emotional and spiritual well-being this year, try to devote a couple of afternoons to yourself before the New Year arrives. Get out your journal or diary and ask yourself some important questions like “Who am I now?”, “How am I different from who I was this time last year?”, “How have I dealt with challenges?”, “What have been my strengths and weaknesses?” Also consider enrolling in a workshop, or buying a new motivational CD, or re-visiting one of my books about mindset. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, your mindset is the most powerful tool you will ever have. Master the way you think and you can conquer anything. It’s up to you to become the type of person you’d like to be best friends with.
Cross-examine your thinking processes
A true best friend saves you from yourself. If you are on the cusp of doing something incredibly stupid a best friend will hold you back, point out the faults in your reasoning process and plead with you to reconsider. If you want to be your own best friend you need to know how to ‘step out of yourself’. Let’s face it, we are all capable to being stupid and acting in the heat of the moment. Not every thought that enters your head is a good one. Sometimes you have to step out of yourself. This is a kind of mindfulness technique. You need to just observe your thoughts and question your motives. You need to ask yourself if you are tired or angry or hurt and not being rational, not seeing the big picture, not acting in your own self-interests. It is never a good idea to do something rash. It’s always better to cool down and carefully consider your motives. You must also be honest with yourself. If you have had enough to drink, own up it to, stop drinking, and call it a night! If you have treated someone badly confess this to yourself then ask yourself and the other person to forgive you.
Give love unconditionally
True best friends care for each other in good times and bad. Do you find it easy to forgive other people, but hard to forgive yourself? It is no good living a life of regrets. Leave the past in the past and move on. You can’t be best friends with someone you have a grudge against and you can’t be your own best friend unless you accept your past mistakes, forgive yourself and move on. No one is all good or all bad. We have strengths and weaknesses, we are all complex. Please give yourself unconditional love.
It doesn’t hurt to compliment yourself. Everyday write down one thing you like about yourself. This is good for self-esteem and confidence. It also helps long-term with decision making. When faced with a big decision, it is good to shop around for advice from different friends, but if you really ‘like’ yourself and know that you are a good person, you will be able to trust your own judgement.
Finally, remember that all relationships need work, even a friendship with you. Spend time alone doing things you enjoy, perhaps going to an art gallery or the movies. Also you might want to chart how befriending yourself impacts on your other relationships. If you are confident, independent and feeling well in yourself then it will impact on your other friendships in a positive way.
ABOUT PAT MESITI
Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.