Over the past weeks I have been blogging about relationships and particularly the impact Christmas has on relationships. All the statistics show that Christmas (and the financial and emotional stress that goes with it) can damage marriages. Today I thought I’d go further and look at how arguing impacts on your relationship. Most people think that fighting is a bad thing for couples, but that is not so. Conflict has actually been shown to be good for relationships.
It’s natural for couples to have conflicts
Dr Neil Clark Warren is a clinical psychologist and the founder of the online-dating site eHarmony. Dr Warren says it’s natural that couples come into conflict because they have grown up with different families, under different rules and perhaps even in different cultures. Dr Warren says couples will even discover they approach fighting differently – that means they have conflict over conflict! But ultimately how a couple manages conflict determines the strength of their relationship.
In an article Dr Warren wrote for eHarmony, he explained that if you don’t have conflict you may be in an unhealthy relationship. For example one person may dominate the relationship and the other person just lives their partner’s life, but overtime the resentment of the passive person will build up and up. Another unhealthy scenario is when both parties just ignore the tensions, but they end up ignoring each other. They don’t look at each other, they don’t talk, and they grow to dislike each other.
Couples who resolve their conflicts grow together
Meanwhile couples who have conflicts and manage to resolve their issues grow together. Their relationship gets stronger. Dr Warren says one of the ways you know you’re ready for marriage is when you can sort out your disagreements. The eHarmony founder is not alone in his belief that fighting is good for couples.
Pre-eminent couples researcher, John and Julie Gottman, say that how often couples fight does not determine the success of their marriage, but rather how they fight. The Gottmans say that respect determines whether a marriage will last. Steve Lakes, an adjunct professor of psychology at Alder University, says fighting is good for marriage in seven ways.
- It increases trust.
Couples are able to express intense emotions when they fight, but they must still respect each other and never ever abuse each other. If couples can express their disappointments and hurts but come through the argument without feeling violated or hurt, they will have more faith in the relationship and their ability to solve disputes. Sometimes the storm comes from nowhere, but if the couple survive it increases their resilience to deal with confrontation.
- Letting off steam releases tension, anxiety and even fear.
Once you have had a fight and expressed your feelings you feel unburdened and lighter. You release your anger so will be less likely to snap and snarl at your partner over insignificant little things. Also keeping your frustration bottled up is bad for your health. Stress and tension have been linked to many illnesses, including cancer.
- By arguing, your partner will learn where you stand.
Your partner will learn how passionately you feel about an issue when you fight. Many women tell me that men are not good at reading between the lines. You women may drop subtle hints, but you really need to tell us blokes straight out what you want and how you feel. You need to put a bit of oomph in the conversation, a bit of heat. If we do something that really irks you then put some volume and intensity into your voice. We are not going to get it, if you just grit your teeth and stare at us. Also fighting allows us to see a new side of our partner – the angry side! Let’s face it; we marry the whole person so we may as well get to know the good, the bad and the ugly.
- By getting to know your partner better, you increase intimacy.
Maybe you partner is not perfect but discovering more about them leads to a deeper more real appreciation.
- Your partner is a separate person from you.
When we have been with someone for a while it’s easy to just assume that they share most of our values and beliefs. We come to think they can even read out minds. It is a shock when you discover that your partner does not see the world in the same light as you, and it rams home the realisation that he or she is a separate individual. Your husband or wife is not an extension of you. Sometimes this is distressing, but you need to accept your partner as a unique individual, and be thankful for that. As the French say, vive la difference!
- Fighting with your spouse makes you stronger as a person.
We grow and mature by caring, being patient, learning empathy and even adapting our own thought processes and values during negotiation. Marriage helps mould humans into better people.
- You learn you are not perfect.
When you fight you learn that you are capable of snapping, being tired and irritable. Sometimes you come to learn that ugly tendencies stem from other issues, perhaps rooted in your childhood. Do you have a sense of helplessness or perhaps low self-esteem that dates from your childhood? If you have hurts and issues that originate in your childhood you can guarantee that they will surface in your most intimate relationship! It is vital that you do not blame your spouse for these feelings instead it is up to you to do some work on yourself. You may opt to do some reading, see a counsellor or psychologist, or even spend some time thinking about the relationships in your childhood home. Did you grow up with a parent who was overbearing or disapproving? Do you have residual hurt that is now impacting your marriage? You must deal with this to strengthen your current relationship.
The key thing to remember is that you need to have constructive fights with your partner. You need to always remain respectful. A constructive fight is a frank exchange of views, with each party stipulating what they are willing to give up. A fight is not an exercise in hurting someone, or making them pay for past hurts.
Finally remember, arguing shows your partner that you believe in the relationship. If you are willing to put yourself on the line, speak frankly and reveal your hurts then you are demonstrating that you really care about them and the relationship. Over Christmas there is every chance you will come into conflict with others, but be honest, speak out and when something isn’t working and try to fix it, not break it!
ABOUT PAT MESITI
Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.