I recently saw a news story on TV about a young couple, who’d been homeless for two years. They won $200,000 on a lotto scratch-card and the first thing they did was go out and buy an expensive boat. I wondered why they didn’t put a deposit on a house. Am I old-fashioned? I do hope this pair spend their money wisely and don’t blow it and again end up homeless. Today I want to write about the challenges of coming to terms with unexpected change. We tend to think about negative life experiences when contemplating unexpected change – losing a job, the sudden death of a friend, the end of a relationship. But an unexpected change can also be good. You might be lucky, like the young couple I saw on TV, and suddenly and unexpectedly come into money. You might fall in love out of the blue or get sent overseas for work. But I have some suggestions about change – both good and bad changes in your life.
Sit Still
The author Katherine Russell Rich has some wonderful advice when faced with change – don’t just do something, sit there! What Katherine advises is that when you’re facing a major change and your mind is totally chaotic and have a whirl of thoughts, you must take some time out to calm yourself. Basically you should sit quietly and not do anything rash! We all need time to make sense of major changes – good and bad. If you’ve fallen madly in love, you might want to spend a year getting to know the person, rather than proposing in the first month. If you’ve won $200,000, perhaps don’t go out and blow half of the money on a boat. If you’ve been fired at work, do not write vindictive emails about the boss to your ex-colleagues. If you have been dumped in a relationship, do not write unflattering messages about your ex on Facebook.
Mother Yourself
When faced with good or bad change, I strongly suggest you also devote some time to mothering yourself. Change is a shock to the system, all our familiar routines dissolve. If you win a million dollars, don’t quit work because you may find yourself un-anchored from life and quite lost, even depressed! Instead take life slowly and be kind to yourself. Make yourself nourishing meals, give yourself some little indulgences like a massage, and have a few quiet nights at home.
Don’t Fight Change
It is counterproductive to fight change. The only constant in this world is change. I caught a glimpse of that old movie, The Full Monty, the other day. One of the characters is made redundant but every morning he dresses in a suit, makes his lunch and leaves the house before 9am, because he doesn’t have the heart to tell his wife he lost his job. This is truly a futile exercise. We have to accept change and accept reality, even when it hurts.
Remain Philosophical
Negative unexpected change, such as the loss of a job, business or relationship, tends to knock us flat, but it’s important to remain philosophical. This change may have benefits that outweigh the downside. Change forces us to grow. It can also prompt us to be innovative and creative and even just brave! An unexpected change might force you to re-evaluate your life. You might decide to invest more time in your family and health after the loss of a job or even embark on a more fulfilling career. The Italian composer Giuseppe Verdi lost his wife and children to cholera in 1840 at age 27, then his second opera flopped and he fell into a deep depression, but he stumbled across one line in a book, which gave him inspiration for his next opera, Nabucco – “Hasten your thoughts on golden wings”. Verdi went on to become one of Italy’s most famous composers, and he had to come back from the loss of his whole family and career.
Make a ‘Comeback’ Plan
After you’ve given yourself some time and accepted that change is inevitable, it’s time to make a ‘comeback’ plan. You might want to begin by asking yourself what you have learned from this change. Have you already made any adaptations to your life to cope with the change? How will you continue adapting into the future to deal with this change? Even if it’s been a positive change such as a financial windfall or new relationship, question how it’s altered your life and how it will continue to impact on your life. These are important questions to ask particularly when embarking on a romance. In those first early months, you may not mind the time the relationship is taking away from other areas of your life, but in a year that might be a different story. You may grow resentful. It can be very beneficial to ask in the early days of a love affair, how it is impacting on your life and what will the future impacts be. Are you really prepared to accept these changes long-term?
If it’s been a painful change it will have no doubt have caused a psychological injury. I wrote about this last week when looking at setbacks. Failures are demoralizing, and constitute a form of psychological injury, in that they distort perceptions—and set us up to fail again. According to Psychology Today there are three ways in which this happens: 1. Failure distorts our perceptions of our abilities such that we feel less up to the task or less capable of reaching a goal than we actually are; 2. Failure distorts our perception of the goal itself such that it seems further out of reach and; 3. Failure makes us believe that whether we succeed or not is out of our control.
Take Time to Grieve
If a setback has hurt you and caused you to lose confidence in yourself, it is vital that you first give yourself time to grieve and then take control of the situation. This will help heal your psychological injury. An unexpected change can be a new beginning. If you have lost a job, you will need to update your CV and start looking for a new position. What is your action plan? Have you thought about going to a recruitment agency and working casually for a few months while you work out a long-term career plan? Ask yourself what you need to do to ensure this change is ultimately beneficial. What do you need to change to avoid sabotaging your progress?
Embrace Change
Embracing change is the key to success but everyone has fears and doubts when faced with change. The truth is that there are times in our lives when we just have to embrace change and get on with it.
Self-hatred is always counter-productive. Never beat yourself up about the end of a relationship, a job loss or failed business. Walt Disney’s first company, Laugh-o-Grams in Kansas failed to make money. Walt was so poor he had to sleep in his office and there he befriended a mouse, hence Mikey Mouse was born! Remember, every dark cloud can have a silver lining.
Sometimes it’s better to make change, before change comes to you.
ABOUT PAT MESITI
Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.