You can forgive others, but can you forgive yourself?

A few nights ago as I was driving home, the Elvis Presley song ‘Always On My Mind’ came on the radio and I listened closely to the words: “Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have. Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time. You were always on my mind … Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times, and I guess I never told you, I'm so happy that you're mine. If I make you feel second best, I'm so sorry I was blind. You were always on my mind. You were always on my mind.”

This song is basically an apology from a man to a woman. It’s a heartfelt admission of failing another, and it got me thinking about the significant people in my life who I’ve failed. It has taken me a long, long time to forgive myself for failing people I loved. It’s actually still an ongoing process. Who have you failed in your life? Who have you let down and betrayed over the years? Do you sometimes spend time regretting the hurt you’ve caused one particular individual? Have you been able to totally forgive yourself?

Reflections of forgiveness and redemption

We have recently celebrated Easter and I’ve been reflecting on forgiveness and redemption. Sometimes it’s easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive ourselves. If we have caused pain and suffering to others, instead of forgiving ourselves we wallow in guilt and invest time in self-flagellation – we berate and chastise ourselves. Many people descend into guilt and regret after the death of a loved one. You dwell on not having been there; not having been kind or loving enough, and you can even grow to hate yourself for not having been a bigger, stronger, more loving person. But does this serve any purpose? No!

I have been reading the words of Dr Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, who has been studying and teaching self-forgiveness for years. He works with people who have cheated on their spouses, walked out on small children, adult children who cut off ageing parents prior to their deaths and people who’ve cheated family members and business partners out of fortunes. These are individuals who have grown to despise themselves for their grotesque behaviour in the past.

Wallowing in guilt is a way of avoiding reality

Dr Luskin says the biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness is people’s desire to wallow in guilt. He explains that this wallowing is as much a form of avoidance as it is penance. If we twist ourselves up into balls of pain we can say, ‘Look, I’m being punished. I’m a vile, hideous person, but we also are avoiding taking responsibility for our actions. We are not attempting to repair the damage. It takes courage to face the world after doing something dreadful, but if you just stay home and feel guilty you don’t have to face the world!

Hating yourself and feeling guilt also hurts the people around you – your friends and children. They don’t want to see you suffering. They may know you’ve done something bad, but they still love you. They don’t want you to live in pain. Guilt is also very bad for your health. Your body produces stress chemicals that poison your vital organs. These hormones increase your heart rate, raise blood pressure, cause digestive problems, tense your muscles and impede rational thought. Every time you hate yourself for doing this terrible thing, your body produces more stress chemicals. Studies on forgiveness have found that people unable to forgive themselves are more prone to depression, anxiety, high blood pressure and heart attacks.

How do you forgive yourself?

Dr Luskin has some advice on forgiving yourself. He said first you need to acknowledge what you did. He put offences under four broad categories.

1. You’ve failed at a major life task, such as a marriage.
2. You’ve committed an offence, such as an affair, that has caused pain to another.
3. You’ve hurt yourself through destructive behaviour such as drug-taking or gambling.
4. You have failed to act. You didn’t intervene in a fight, you didn’t buy your family a decent home. You didn’t support an ageing parent when he or she was ill.

If you are able to categorise your offence, you will step out of the wallowing and get a little distance then the healing can begin. Next try to put your feelings into words. Tell a trusted friend what you did wrong and what the consequences were.

Specify what you need for yourself

Next try to articulate exactly what you need. There may be no possibility of reconciling with the person you hurt. Your spouse may never forgive you, or the person you have wronged has died. Your ultimate aim is to be free of the guilt, shame and blame. You want to be at peace with yourself.

Sometimes you need to cut yourself some slack. You have failed, you have done a bad thing, but give your offence some context. You may feel you could have been a better friend but your friend probably was not perfect. Having a loving relationship was not straight-forward. What relationship is easy?

Put some distance between you and the hurt

Try to step out of your pain. Be conscious of how you feel when you are wallowing in guilt – are you teary, nauseous, do you experience headaches? Your pain is not being triggered by the offence you committed but how you are reacting to the guilt now. The guilt is becoming a bad habit.

Reliving your offence over and over again in your head is not going to undo the past. It’s done. It cannot be un-done. You need to accept that. Stop focussing on the past and instead focus on the future. If you have not said ‘I’m sorry’, perhaps it’s time to utter that word to the offended party. Even if they won’t accept your apology you will feel better knowing you’ve had the courage to offer it. Maybe you could write a letter or send a poem.

Work to make amends

Next step is working to make amends. You might not ever be able to make it up to the offended party, but you can still try to make amends. Perhaps your own children do not speak to you, because you let them down as a parent. That does not stop you from serving other people – you can volunteer at a soup kitchen or charity op shop. Have you ever heard of Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement? Jewish people observe the day with 25-hours of fasting and prayer. They try to amend bad behaviour and seek forgiveness for wrongs done against God (bein adam leMakom) and against people (bein adam lechavero). It’s an acknowledgement that people are broken and bound to hurt each other. Atonement is a central theme for self-forgiveness. Learn lessons about yourself from your bad behaviour. Realise you are capable of being selfish, self-centred, cruel or judgemental. In the future keep those traits in check.

Acknowledge that you are neither all good nor all bad. You are human. Set time aside to think about the good things you’ve done for others. Make a point of treating all people well and even put a bit of cheer into the lives of strangers. Thank people in shops for their assistance, smile at the bus driver!

You might also want to try some breathing exercises – breathe out the guilt, breathe in love, breathe out the pain, breathe in calm. Think carefully about what you need and compose a breathing exercise.

Self-forgiveness is an ongoing process

Again, forgiving yourself is an ongoing process. If you have wronged someone, let it go. Don’t carry the guilt – it is too heavy. I love what the philosopher Robert Holden said – ‘True forgiveness is a willingness to change your mind about yourself.’