What Regrets Really Are and How to Eliminate Them

I’m going to return to a subject I write about frequently, because I believe it is a major impediment to happiness: regrets. When you think about it, regrets are all about how you perceive the past – what you should or should not have done in the past. Regrets and withholding forgiveness are also closely linked. By regretting, you are failing to forgive yourself. It’s important to let go of past regrets. When you let go of your regrets, you say goodbye to past hurts and embark on a brighter future.

Just a few weeks ago two preeminent American psychologists released a new paper on regrets after studying the remorse of hundreds of people. The paper, by Professor Tom Gilovich and doctoral student Shai Davidai of Connell University, New York, was entitled, ‘The Ideal Road’ not taken. Prof Gilovich said the regrets people find hardest to shake stem from a failure to live up to their ideal image of self. We all have an ideal image of our self. It is the best possible version of who we could have become. Needless to say no one achieves their ideal – ‘circumstances’ get in the way. People struggle to shake regrets about failing to fulfil the hopes, goals and aspirations connected to becoming their ‘ideal’ self. Ultimately people regret not their past mistakes, but what they didn’t do and who they didn’t become.

You can’t recapture lost opportunities

Prof Gilovich said most people can forgive themselves for doing bad things, because they are able to take steps to fix the damage. But it’s harder to recapture lost opportunities. You are never again going to be offered the job you turned down, so you’ll never be as successful as you hoped. You are not going to be young and free again, and in a position to travel the world and become an intrepid adventurer. When it comes to lamenting lost opportunities, we are also mourning the loss of the person ‘we could have been’.

“In the short term, people regret their actions more than inactions, but in the long term it’s the inaction regrets that stick,” Prof Gilovich said. “The failure to be your ideal self is usually an inaction. It’s the ‘I frittered away my time and never wrote that book or travelled or learnt an instrument or studied.”

Of the hundreds of people surveyed by the researchers, 72 percent of people centred on a regret about not fulfilling their ideal self.

Why are ideal regrets so hard to shake?

These regrets stick with us often because they are abstract and not concrete. They do not involve specific measurements. You may regret selling your house when the market was down. You lost $50,000 but over the years you’ve worked hard, made up some of the money and you like where you live now, consequently you let go of that regret. But ideal-related regrets are general. You wish you had pursued your singing career and become a good singer. What constitutes ‘good’? What is your definition of success? Playing professionally, working in a back-up band, getting the occasional gig on TV, winning an Emmy? You have no idea what you could have achieved so your regret is endless – infinite. If you know you lost $50,000 selling your house too early – the regret is finite and limited.

Are your regrets hot or cold?

The researchers also talked about regret in terms of hot and cold emotions. If you are rude to someone or go out and get drunk and make a fool of yourself, the next day you feel angry and embarrassed and clearly realise you have made a mistake. These are hot emotions, but if your dreams have disappeared, you have a lingering sadness – a ‘cold’ emotion and this can be harder to shake. If you are angry, embarrassed and feeling terrible after behaving badly you will be motivated to make amends, perhaps apologise or pay for any damage you caused. But cold emotions fester in our hearts and there are no obvious means of making amends.

“We jam these cold emotions into our pockets, saying we’ll deal with them later, but later never comes and our regrets, which may have begun small, get bigger and bigger. After twenty years these emotions have become really painful,” Prof Gilovich said.

Do you walk in the shadow of your ideal self?

Regrets about past mistakes are often connected to context. You might regret failing an exam at school, but when you leave school the regret will fade. You might regret taking drugs with a bad crowd while young. But if you stop taking drugs and leave these friends behind, the regret fades. However your ‘ideal’ self is not linked to a time or place. The image of your ideal self never leaves you.

I think women often feel regrets about what they didn’t do professionally when home raising a family. Of course they do not regret having their children, but they regret not being able to have achieved their potential at work. Again they are regretting the loss of their ideal self, because they’ll never know what they could have achieved. It’s an infinite regret, not a finite regret. Some women also have feelings of anger (perhaps because their spouse didn’t adequately support them at this time) mixed into regret. These are complex emotions.

The authors of the report say there are lessons to be learnt from their research. First, if you are an idealistic person, be aware that you must chase your dreams when you have the chance. Do not ever worry about what other people think. Just seize the day and go for it.

You can’t retrieve the past

If the opportunity is gone and you can’t retrieve the past, do not repress your regrets and pretend it doesn’t matter. Instead co-author Shai Davidai says you should dig up your past regrets, examine them and examine your reaction to them. Are you being realistic about what you could have achieved or are you inflating the possibilities and overestimating the abilities of your ‘ideal self’? It’s hard but aim to be realistic.

If these regrets still refuse to fade, then you only have one choice. You need to pursue what is left of your dream.

Appreciate the real you

You might not be in a position to do everything you want. You cannot destroy your family’s finances chasing your dreams. You can’t sell the family house and travel the world. Please be realistic about who you are now. You might be sad that you are not incredibly successful or famous, but give yourself credit for being a great parent or partner. Do not become so focused on your lost ‘ideal you’ that you fail to see how wonderful the ‘real you’ is!

On a smaller scale you may be able to salvage part of your dreams. Keep trying to get your ideal job, save for an overseas trip, volunteer in an animal shelter, write that book. Start today! This will help vanquish those regrets. Start unearthing that neglected ideal of self. Do not sit around wallowing in ‘what ifs’. Take action to remove the sting from your regrets and free yourself from the past!