What Makes a Good Relationship and Partner?

I write about relationships reluctantly given I’ve been married twice. I guess I can at least claim that I’ve learnt from my mistakes. I also learnt a great deal about relationships when I was a pastor in a church for many years. I met a many couples and discussed with them challenges of their relationships. In Australia about a third of all marriages fail, but when you think about it, the vast majority of couples never make it down the aisle. Research in Britain by Nationwide found that the average length of a romantic relationship for young people (twenty-something) was 4.2 years, and not necessarily consecutive years. We tend to have on-and-off relationships with significant others when we’re young. The truth is that the vast majority of romantic relationships fail, and only two-thirds of marriages last. We all tend to think of ourselves as failures when a relationship finishes, but the bulk of romantic entanglements come to an end. That is not failure, it is normal. Sure, it is wonderful to have a partner, to have love and companionship but a relationship is a HUGE responsibility. A good relationship lets you grow and develop into your best, a bad relationship weakens and depletes you.

How well do you know yourself and your partner?

When is the right time to get serious about a partner? By that I mean, when is the right time to marry or move in together. How do you know if it is right? I would say the right time is when you know yourself and you know who your partner is, and you love your partner despite their flaws! To know yourself, you must be able to identify your strengths and weaknesses. You need to understand how you were shaped by your childhood and past experiences. You also need to understand your partner – what makes your partner tick, how the past has influenced him or her. Is your partner kind, generous, moody, mean, volatile or emotional? You need to know the person, know they can be difficult and STILL want to be with them. However, getting to know someone is not easy. As a pastor I spoke to many women who had been married for years and they’d frequently say, “I don’t think I know that man at all!” It takes years, probably decades, to truly understand someone, so most people get married not really knowing the person they are marrying. In many ways marriage is the process of getting to know someone, and believe me, you ‘get to know them’ more than you will any other soul on this planet.

Your partner needs to meet your needs

There are definitely indicators signifying that you should NOT get serious about someone. You cannot get serious about someone who puts other people before you. You do not want to move in or marry a man who cancels a date with you so he can go to the pub with his friends. You do not want to move in with a woman who answers a non-urgent work call during a family celebration. You need to marry someone who cares for you and meets your needs. Some people are spoiled as children and enter a marriage expecting to be the ‘spoiled child’ meanwhile you end up the doormat.

Good communication is paramount

You cannot marry someone if you do not communicate with one another. You need to be able to talk openly about the tough stuff – intimacy, money, family relationships. You will not be able to resolve problems unless you can talk. Is your partner up for these conversations or does he or she just yell at you when things get tough, or avoid talking altogether? Does your partner pretend to listen and then not take on board anything you’ve said? The bedrock of every relationship is good communication. If you do not have this, you will run into problems. Fortunately, you can learn to communicate better. There are a lot of great books out there teaching this skill. Invest in one. Also relationship counselling can help couples express their feelings and learn to listen to each other.

How important is fidelity?

Fidelity is easier for some people than others, but it is never a good sign if your partner is straying. Many couples survive infidelity, but they need to explore why the person was unfaithful in the first place. Sometimes people have affairs to enhance their ego, sometimes they are lonely. If your partner has been unfaithful you need to find out why. Please do not think there is something lacking in you if your partner has strayed. You are not unattractive or ‘not good enough’. The other person has a problem they are trying to solve. You both need to try to identify that problem if the relationship is to continue. If you feel that your trust has been broken and you don’t want to continue then you need to wind things up and break up. Listen to your heart and head, and act accordingly!

Of course intimacy matters

You cannot marry or live with someone who is not meeting your sexual needs. People have different libido levels. If you want sex everyday but your partner only wants to have sex once a year then you have a problem. Some couples think, ‘We are great in so many other ways, it doesn’t matter if we have a problem in the bedroom’, but it does matter! Sex is another one of those topics couples need to be able to talk about. If you are feeling unhappy about your sex life now, imagine how you will be feeling in ten years!

Addictions stress relationships

Be extremely careful if your partner has a drug, alcohol or gambling addiction. Problems like these do not have to spell the end of a relationship, but your partner needs to be on the road to recovery and serious about beating it before you make any type of commitment to him or her. Do not pretend that it’s a minor issue or it’s okay that he gets drunk and obnoxious on the weekend. Face reality. Addictions stress relationships and are not easy to overcome. Please be cautious.

Take your time before getting serious

I would not be taking a relationship to the next level if my partner is going through a major life change such as an interstate move, new job or emotional trauma like the death of a close friend or family member. If you love each other, you have all the time in the world. Give your partner time to heal and come to terms with the change. People sometimes think they are on top of change, but festering under the surface are concerns and pain. If you are moving in with someone or getting married you want them to be attentive and loving to you, not preoccupied with changes in their life. If they are more preoccupied with changes than your relationship, you may grow resentful and angry. If you love someone grant them the time and space to make peace with them-self. If they love you, they will return renewed and grateful for your understanding.

Do not try to ‘fix’ mental illness

If someone is grappling with depression, do not consider moving in together or marrying as a way to fix them. One in seven Australians will experience depression and three million Aussie live with depression and anxiety every day. It is a horrible debilitating illness. Marriage or moving in together could exacerbate the condition, not fix it. People with depression can recover, but they should seek professional help from experts, instead of expecting or hoping their romantic partner will ‘mend’ them. If your partner is experiencing depression you should seriously consider postponing a marriage.

There is no place for lies and secrets

There is no place for lies in a healthy relationship. If your partner keeps secrets and lies to you then there are issues in your relationship. Is he or she running up debt on their credit card and hiding it from you? Are they having secret dates with an ex? Don’t ever tell yourself it is fine when a voice inside your head is saying, this is not okay.

If you have kept something from your partner and they confront you, come clean. Admit your mistake and have the courage to face the consequences. Lying and covering up can cause more pain than the original mistake. Aim to make amends. Being honest and overcoming a mistake can make a relationship stronger. If your partner has wronged you, be prepared to forgive your partner when they show remorse. If you cannot forgive, find the courage to end it. Do not stay with them and grow resentful. Couples must be able to trust one another. If your partner is constantly hiding secrets and lying, then it is a partnership you need to end.

Is your partner having a bad day or a bad life?

Volatile people are difficult to be married to. We are all capable of being cranky or short-tempered, but bad behaviour should not be the norm for your partner. It is okay for them to have a bad day, but are they actually having a bad life? If your partner is being dominating, controlling and frightening, these are major warning signs. I would say exit this relationship or at the very least seek professional help.

Confront small problems before they turn into big problems

I also believe it is better to seek professional help either from Relationships Australia, a church pastor, or a counsellor PRIOR to small problems becoming big problems. All relationships have issues, but too often we let issues fester like thorns until they become giant pus balls! Have the courage to tackle issues that are bothering you before they reach a point of no return.

Remember a relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb goes out, you do not go out and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb. How many light bulbs are out in your house? Find the courage to fix them before you find yourself in the dark.