The Six Main Relationship Mistakes Women Make

In my last blog I wrote about mistakes men make in relationships and, given I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, I was well qualified to write that blog. Today I want to write about mistakes women make. I am the father of daughters and recently I got dragged along to see the new Amy Schumer film ‘I Feel Pretty’. I have to admit I enjoyed it more than I expected to. It’s about a lovely young woman wracked with insecurities and self-doubt. Her lack of confidence impacts on her career and love life, but one day she hits her head and is knocked out. She wakes up filled with self-confidence and sees herself as truly beautiful. She finds a new boyfriend who adores her can-do attitude, and a great new job. Her appearance hasn’t changed, but she is a thousand times more attractive after her knock on the head because she has confidence, and confidence in a woman is very attractive! That brings me to the first mistake women make in relationships!

1. Know your own value

To have a successful relationship you need to know yourself and value and respect yourself. I see too many women in relationships with sub-standard men who treat them badly. I see women who lack the confidence to ask for what they want. They do not ask their partner to meet their needs instead they accept leftovers. They become a doormat. They think they are inadequate and undeserving, when in fact they are beautiful women and the guy is not up to scratch. I fear that culturally women are still being taught to care, nurture and love other people but they are not taught how to stand up for themselves and ask for the love they deserve. Ladies, know your value. Do not ever let a man treat you shabbily. Do not ever let a man make you feel like you are second best. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect.

2. Learn to understand men

I have a friend whose husband died when she was in her sixties. In the following years she desperately wanted to meet someone new. She invested in lots of pretty dresses and even some alluring underwear but none of her new relationships lasted. I have another female friend whose husband died when she was also in her sixties. This woman and her husband used to fish together. After her husband’s death she continued to fish, and I have to tell you that as soon as she had finished grieving her husband she found a lovely new man, who was also a fisherman. I would say my friend, who fishes, understood men much more than my other friend. Perhaps because she had a traditionally masculine hobby and she’d spent much time around men. It is often a mistake to look for your ‘soul mate’. If you want a ‘soul mate’ – someone who shares your outlook and values – then you should date another woman. Instead I would recommend looking for a good man. Men tend to have different interests to women. They enjoy spending time with other men, and groups of men have very different conversations to groups of women. As the French say, vive la difference! I knew a farmer’s wife who was happily married for 70 years. I remember visiting her farmhouse out west. I clearly remember her standing at her kitchen window and looking out at her husband, the farm workers and a herd of cows. ‘There are the men and beasts,’ she announced pointing at the cows and the men. She seemed to intrinsically accept that the cows and the men were creatures very different to her. I believe that outlook helped her to have a successful relationship. Men like to treasure and care for their partners. Sometimes you just need to let your man do that. Also men tend to need more personal space than women. When a woman is troubled she often reaches for the phone and calls a girlfriend and tries to talk out her feelings. Most men don’t talk about their issues in the same way women do. Some men retreat and internalise things. If your bloke doesn’t feel like talking, leave him alone for a few hours or a couple of days.

3. Don’t try to change your man

There is an old saying, ‘Women marry hoping to change their husbands. Men always hope their wives wont’ change – both are disappointed!’ Some women hook up with men planning to mould them into their perfect man. If you are in a long-term relationship you might be invited to help a man choose his clothes, but on the whole it is just best to accept a man as he comes. Men hate it when they meet a gorgeous woman and the next minute HE is her latest fix-up project. She wants to change his clothes, his table manners, his speech. She is treating him like a child. This is just insulting to a man and also emasculating. Perhaps you need to ask yourself how important clothes and mannerisms are. These are just superficial attributes. What really matters in a person is kindness, trustworthiness, good conversation. As Feargal Sharkey sings, a good heart is hard to find. If you have found a man with a good heart you need to value that.

4. Aim to communicate effectively

For point number two, I explained that not all women understand men. Some women expect men to function like women. Women are better at reading feelings than men. Men often aren’t as intuitive. If something has upset you, tell your partner. Don’t leave his fumbling around trying to work out what the problem is. Some women mope and sulk and let anger build up because their partners don’t have the psychic ability to read their minds. Just be honest and tell him what is on your mind.

Also do not expect perfection from your partner. There will be times when he upsets you. Again tell him straight out, solve the problem and then forgive. Often women are not honest in relationships and do not reveal how hurt or upset they feel. They resort to nagging and bringing up a gripe again and again, because they didn’t reveal the extent of their hurt and anger in the first place. If you are hurt or angry, show these feelings, be passionate – don’t leave things unsaid and let hurts fester, but once you’ve aired your grievances, forgive and move on.

5. Not showing any appreciation

When it comes to men, actions speak louder than words. Do things for your partner that you know he will appreciate. That may mean cooking his favourite dish, making him cups of tea, or even giving him time to be with his friends. He may prefer to go to a football match and not clothes shopping with you on Saturday. Pay attention to how your guy responds when you do these kind gestures. You’ll soon work out what makes him happy. In a good relationship, partners actively seek to make their man or woman happy!

6. Keep your insecurities in check

In the film, ‘I Feel Pretty’ the main character was attractive and inspiring because she had such fantastic confidence. She did not dump all her insecurities and problems on her partner and expect him to solve them. She never asked if she looked fat in her clothes. She was a happy can-do girl, and her boyfriend soon came to think of himself as a lucky man to have a woman like her. Sometimes it’s better to workshop your problems with your female friends. Yes, of course your partner needs to know what is going on in your life. But men approach problems in different ways to women. Men often tend to just look for solutions, while women are looking for empathy more than solutions.

Never expect your relationship to be perfect. Every relationship has issues, but for it to work you need to both talk honestly and address any issues. Yes, you will fight, yes, you will struggle. Hopefully you will come through it together and stay strong and close. As they say, a relationship with no arguments is a relationship with a lot of secrets!