The Secrets to Happy, Healthy Relationships

There is a common gripe uttered by people in unhappy relationships – he or she doesn’t take care of me. And I’m not just talking about people in romantic relationships. I’ve heard this gripe from employees, “My company doesn’t take care of me. If it did I’d put a lot more into my job”.

Take Care of Yourself

It’s a mistake to think you enter a relationship so you’ll have someone to “take care of you”. The truth is YOU are the one who has responsibility for YOU! In any relationship you have responsibility for your own happiness and well-being. What you need to tell your partner is; “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” That means I’m going to be the best possible person I can and you will reap the benefits, and can you please be the best possible person you can, so I can reap the benefits? You will prevent countless fights if you remember that you must look after your own happiness. Of course your spouse will try to make you happy, but you have the ultimate responsibility for your own happiness.

What You Give is What You Get

Too often relationships fail because we neglect them – not just marriages, but relationships with our children, friends and work colleagues. In life you get back what you give. If you give anger and annoyance, you will get anger and annoyance back. There are no shortcuts to a healthy relationship. If you want results you have to work at it, and you have to work at keeping the romance alive in a marriage. Try writing a list of the activities you used to do together in the first year you were dating. Revisit some of them. Also directly ask your partner what he or she wants. A good spouse is an expert on their partner’s likes, dislikes, hobbies, passions and dreams. Of course you must put time aside to be together away from the distraction of children and work. Domesticity can really kill the romance, especially if one partner is doing most of the work around the house. I know a man who asked his wife if she ever fantasized about him and she said yes – she fanticizes about him taking out the rubbish, packing the dishwasher and vacuuming!

Spend Time Together

For a relationship to work you also have to enjoy doing activities together, but don’t just fall back on the dinner and movies option. Get creative about how you can be together. What about enrolling in a dancing course together or going ice-skating or even skydiving? But check in with your partner before signing up to any of these. It’s not unusual for couples to have different interests. Someone once told me that at every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is that they are usually married to each other!

Heal your Past Hurts

One thing I say often is that if you want better fruit on your tree, you need to deal with the roots in your life. To have a healthy relationship you need to have dealt with the demons of your past. If you’ve had a troubled childhood you need to have healed that wounded child who lives within you, otherwise that kid will cause havoc in your marriage. Adults are really just kids in older bodies. If you are aware of issues in your past, have the courage to see a counsellor and deal with these issues.

Focus on the Good

Always focus on what’s right in your relationship. If you do this, the relationship will flourish. If you are always focusing on what’s wrong, the relationship will die. Look for your partner’s positive qualities and remember that no one is perfect. Make a conscious effort to see the good in your partner and stop criticising. It’s fine for your computer to have auto-correct, but you don’t want your spouse to perform this function. From talking to a great many married couples, I’ve learnt that in relationships women have better memories than men. Someone once told me that every married man should forget his mistakes, because there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Pick your Battles

Every couple has arguments and it’s important that vexing issues are discussed, but pick your battles. Do you need to have a fight because your spouse used your favourite coffee cup once? Sometimes fights escalate because what we are most interested in is proving that we were right and our partner was wrong. Why would you want to win an argument if the price is wrecking your relationship? Next time you’re having a disagreement with your spouse, stop trying to prove you are right and use the conversation as a chance to understand your partner’s perspective.

Quality versus Quantity

Remember that how you treat your spouse on a daily basis, will ultimately determine what the relationship becomes long term. In the beginning you may have opened doors for your partner, always remembered birthdays, phoned often and made them the focus of your life, but three years in and you are neglecting each other. In a relationship the emphasis needs to be on quality time, not the quantity of time you have together. You need to make an effort to really talk to each other at least every two to three days, instead of just sitting silently on the couch watching television.

The ingredients of a good relationship are honest communication, respect for one another and appreciation of each another. These elements are essential for all relationships – romantic, family even professional.

Be the Best You Can Be

At work, never say, “If my boss took care of me, I’d do more for the company.” No, you need to take care of you so you can be good to your employer. Do your job to the best of your ability not just because you’re looking to be rewarded, but because you take pride in your work and you want the personal satisfaction. I’ve always been grateful for every job I have, even when I was a kid packing potatoes. I believe that gratitude open doors both personally and professionally.

Have Good Manners

Finally, one trick that is guaranteed to improve any relationship is good manners. Say please and thank-you to friends and family, your spouse and your work colleagues, speak cordially, and when you’ve made a mistake, find the courage to apologise. If you love someone and you hurt them, you need to acknowledge their pain and say sorry. Whether you did it on purpose or not is irrelevant.