The Risks to Avoid When Setting High Standard for Yourself and Others

If you read my columns then you will know I have a philosophy of trying to be my best. However in recent blogs I’ve been writing a lot about forgiveness and acceptance of other people. The question then is: how can you accept that other people are less than perfect while setting very high standards for yourself? If you are someone who demands a lot from yourself, you are also likely to demand a lot from others. You might set high standards for people close to you, but do you know what could then happen? You are likely to become judgemental, and you may even damage some of your relationships. You may live to regret that.

Losing a family member

I’m going to confess to you that I’m writing this blog because I recently lost someone close to me. But I was terribly judgmental of this person. I was very close to her as a child but as an adult I became disillusioned with her. I wanted her to be more than she was. I think she often sensed my disapproval. Now following her death, I’m feeling very, very sad. I wish I could wind back the clock. I wish I had been a more loving, accepting person instead I was harsh and judgemental. I wish I had been a bigger person.

Judging according to Tara Back

The esteemed American psychologist and meditation teacher, Tara Back, once explained judging others like this: Imagine you are walking through a park and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems fluffy and cute and you feel fear and perhaps also anger or disappointment. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and it is suffering. Do you know with my relative, I never realised that she was caught in a trap. She had an extremely difficult childhood and there were reasons why she at times behaved badly. I never reached the point of compassion towards her. I was often angry and disappointed. Now I’m going through the process of having to forgive myself.

Regret after loss of a loved one

Perhaps you have had a similar experience. Maybe you’ve had a parent who disappointed you, but after their death you wished YOU were the bigger person. You wished you had just accepted they were less than perfect and loved them anyway. First I want to say, do not be too hard on yourself. People intuitively react to protect themselves. If someone hurts or threaten us we automatically try to defend our self or we attack back. Sometimes we instinctively feel that attack is the best form of defence! We are not able to step out of the situation and see the reasons for the other person’s behaviour. Realise that terrible, terrible things may have happened to them, or they may not have our intelligence or even emotional intelligence.

Having different pain thresholds

Next time you want to hurt someone who has hurt you, try to retreat and take yourself out of the situation. Where is that person coming from? Maybe you don’t know what makes them tick, but remember that poor dog in the park. This person may be metaphorically caught in a trap you can’t see.

If someone has caused you pain, remember also that it’s probably not even ‘about you’. It is often about that person’s pain and struggles in life. Look at it this way. People have different pain thresholds. Some people can get a filling in a tooth without an anaesthetic. For others this would be impossible. People also have different emotional pain thresholds. I know of an Olympic athlete whose mother was an alcoholic. When he was a toddler she’d just buy him a meat pie from the shop most nights and give it to him in a paper bag. Did this childhood destroy him? No, it made him incredibly determined, independent and self-reliant. But it would have destroyed many other people! We all have different emotional pain thresholds. We all respond to pain in different ways. The Dalai Lama said: “People take different roads looking for happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”

Look for the positive

Always look for the positive qualities in other people. Even murderers and thieves have some good qualities. No one is all good or all bad. We are all shades of light and dark, but if someone is causing you distress, step away from them then try to write down a list of their good qualities. Make yourself write five personality traits of the person which are good, and keep that list of traits with you when you must deal with them. Pull it out of your pocket and look at it when with them, if need be.

Maybe you need to ask yourself if you are being overly controlling. Is someone upsetting you because they do not behave like you? Perhaps deep down you think: it’s my way or the highway. Try to relax and be opened minded. People solve problems and work in different ways. Let other people do it their way, not yours. If they fail they will learn by their mistakes. Haven’t you made mistakes? Yes! Now respect others, and let them make their own mistakes. Also, we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” We all try to do the best we can with the resources we have, but some people have few resources and they have never found the insight or education to improve their lives. You have insight! Pray these people will also find their way. Show them love and compassion.

Be charitable

Aim to be charitable. No one gets out of bed aiming to hurt others. Sometimes things go wrong. Also be aware that we are harder on others when we are not really happy about our own lives. If you feel good about your choices and where you are at, you will be less inclined to criticise other people’s choices. Is it easier for you to see other people’s faults rather than identifying and dealing with all that is wrong with your life. Come on, put a little love in your heart. Stop asking the people closest to you to be more than they are. People just are! Be grateful you have family in your life. When they die, you won’t dwell on their flaws, you will only say to yourself, ‘I wish I’d loved them better!’

Our maker gave us very clear instructions: Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. I think what I’m really trying to tell you is this: judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who YOU are.