The Importance of Trust and How to Build It

Do you remember that old Billy Joel song, ‘It’s a matter of trust’. The lyrics go:

“Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
Cause it's always been a matter of trust.”

The essence of the song is that in a relationship you need to be open, honest and have trust. But that is easier said than done. It’s hard to trust anyone in this world. A lot of people are out for themselves and will tell you bare-faced lies, however there are still many good, kind, honest people in the world and to make new friendships you have to be prepared to trust.

A new study has recently confirmed what we’ve long suspected. If you have been hurt in the past, you are going to struggle to trust. You may wonder why researchers bother to look at what seems obvious, but I think it’s a good thing they investigate people’s outlooks. Many personality traits are based in our DNA such as risk-taking but trust is one that is more influenced by past experiences and how we deal with our emotions.

This new study has found that people who harbour negative emotions will struggle to trust others. It does not matter what has caused the negative emotions and these feelings can be totally unrelated to the new situation. According to scientists at the University of Zurich and the University of Amsterdam, these ‘incidental emotions’ can ‘significantly suppress’ our ability to trust others.

Science confirms negative feelings suppress trust

The new research in the journal Science Advances, looked at whether past experiences that result in negative feelings “can influence trust behaviour and the brain networks relevant for supporting social cognition”. The key question the scientists asked is whether negative emotions damage our capacity to trust. That negative emotion could be as insignificant as anger over a parking fine we felt we didn’t deserve.

The scientists got 41 participants to play a trust game, asking them how much money they would invest with a stranger who might repay them, or could just run off with their money. Some participants were told they might receive an ‘unpleasant electrical shock’ as they were playing, which meant they felt anxious and concerned.

The participants who feared an electric shock were significantly less likely to demonstrate trust and invest with the stranger even though the threat of the shock was completely unrelated to the game. MRI scans of their brains revealed that the region of the brain essential to understanding others (the temporoparietal junction) was suppressed when they felt anxious. Anxiety also affected other areas of the brain. When the participants felt anxious, the link between brain activity and trusting behaviour was broken. Negative emotions including anxiety alter the activity of our brains, and make it harder for us to understand or trust other people.

Negative feelings damage our social life

Study authors Jan Engelmann and Christian Ruff said in a media release, “These results show that negative emotions can significantly impact our social interactions, and specifically how much we trust others.” They added that the findings “reveal the underlying effects of negative affect on brain circuitry: Negative affect suppresses the social cognitive neural machinery important for understanding and predicting others’ behaviour.”

Dr Engelmann said the findings could have major social implications. “Negative emotions, even if they are incidental, may distort how we make important social decisions, including voting,” he said. That makes sense, given some politicians have been accused of running ‘fear campaigns’.

Have you struggled to know who to trust in your life? Have you struggled to know when to trust? I tell my daughters not to trust anyone too quickly. People need to earn your trust over time. It is fine to be kind and honest and giving to others, but at the end of the day you need to protect you. Do not rely on people you don’t know and do not trust too readily. However we do need to be open to developing trust with new people.

This study clearly shows that if you are holding onto baggage and negative emotions then you are short-changing yourself. If you have anxieties, fears, hurts and regrets from your childhood, broken friendships and sad love affairs then you will struggle to establish trust with new people. You are going to find it challenging to make new friendships and find a new life partner if you are unable to trust.  

What is the take-out lesson? Deal with your past!

I feel like a broken record but I’m going to say it again. Work to free yourself from the past. The past is not a monkey on your back – it’s a 100kg sumo wrestler that you need to lug around with you. Leave that sumo wrestler on the curb and go into the future unencumbered. If you hate someone the only one you are hurting is yourself. In the words of that Disney song, ‘Let it go, let it go, let it go!!!’

Seven steps to releasing the past

1. Realise you are doing it.

The first step in solving a problem is acknowledging you have a problem.

2. See the funny side

Sometimes it can be helpful to laugh at yourself. Say to yourself , “There I go again. I’m like a dog with its jaws clenched to a bone!” Or get the soundtrack to the Disney’s ‘Let It Go’ song and play it loud and sing along when you are obsessing about your past.

3. Step out of yourself

Try talking to yourself like an older, wiser friend. If you have done something wrong, or have a regret, forgive yourself with all the love you can find.

4. Remember history is history

Regretting and longing for the past, won’t change a thing. The Dalai Llama said, “There are only two times you can’t do anything: the past and the future.” Belong in the here and how, and concentrate on what you can change today.

5. Be tough on yourself

When you find yourself living in the past, tell yourself to knock it off! Think about something else. Distract yourself with a new activity. 

6. Give yourself 15 minutes of regret time every day

If you are really struggling to shake off the past, give yourself 15 minutes every day to regret and lament what is bothering you, but only on the condition you won’t think about it the rest of the time. 

7. Don’t be afraid to feel your emotions.

Have you taken time out to feel the sadness or anger about the past? Would it help to see a psychologist or counsellor?

To move forward we all need to be freed from our past, but this is a tough ask. Remember everyone carries baggage so don’t be too hard on yourself, but I promise you, you cover more ground if you travel light!