The Importance of Forgiving Yourself

I read an excellent article recently on the US Psychology Today website by Dr Alex Lickerman about when to admit you are wrong. Dr Lickerman wrote about the importance of delivering a real and sincere apology after you have wronged someone.

He wrote: “An apology is the simplest of acts: the speaking of words of genuine regret to another for having harmed, denigrated, or insulted them in some way. And yet it has almost magical power to repair fraying relationships. Most of us seem to be more judgmental of the intent with which a person acts than of their actions' outcomes. Even when someone acts maliciously towards us, if he later comes to regret it genuinely, almost to view his earlier self as a different person from his present regretful self, that kind of contrition rarely fails to move us. Apologies of this kind bring resolution and closure. At most they cost us an admission that we were wrong, that we're imperfect, or that we need to improve in some way.”

It got me thinking about how powerful and beautiful real apologies are, then I realised there is one person I struggle to apologise to – MYSELF! I am human. I have made so many mistakes, yet a key part of healing is to apologise to yourself and then to forgive yourself – truly forgive yourself – before moving on.

How do you react when you have stuffed up? Believe me I spend time feeling contrite. Often I struggle to forgive myself, but feeling bad for an extended period serves no purpose. Sometimes you just have to ‘get over yourself’.

Here are some tips on apologising and forgiving yourself

You are only human

Okay, you’ve done something you should not have, but you need to remember that you never set out to cause hurt or pain. You made an error of judgement, you were weak maybe you were foolish. Ultimately you were human. You need to forgive yourself. Your mistake does not mean you are an awful person, just a flawed person like every single other human on this planet. The American author Gerlad Jampolsky said, ‘Forgiveness means letting go of the past.’ We all need to be able to do that.

How would you react to someone else who did this?

Are you harder on yourself than on anyone else? The Polish-American scholar Alfred Korzybski put it this way, ‘God may forgive your sins, but your nervous system won’t.’ That means, do you beat yourself up every time you make a mistake? If someone else did what you did, how would you react? Would you be understanding or judgemental? Would you take into account mitigating circumstances or would you judge them harshly? I love the musical Les Miserables. I particularly like the character of Javert, the fanatical policeman, who takes his own life because he cannot reconcile his devotion to the law with the fact that the harsh laws of the time were cruel. It is his inability to forgive others and himself that destroys him.

Be kind to others and be kind to yourself. You deserve the same understanding you would give other people. Forgive yourself and forget the misdemeanour. Treat yourself with love, in other words move on! The French author, Francois de La Rochefoucauld, said ‘One forgives to the degree that one loves.’ Do you love yourself?

Have you made reparations?

Have you tried to repair the damage you caused? Have you apologised? Have you paid financially or in kind for the harm done? Are you able to make up for your bad behaviour by investing more in a relationship? If the answer to all these questions is yes, then it is time to declare the mistake over. It is time to let go.

Get some perspective

Many people have made BIG mistakes. I’ve made BIG mistakes, but somehow you just keep going. People have lost millions of dollars, people have caused physical harm to other people. People have lied and hurt the ones they love the most. Put your mistake into perspective. If this is the worst crime you have ever committed, does it really make you a dreadful, evil person? I doubt it! Come on, no one is perfect, no one is infallible. Just repent, accept what you have done and then get on with it!

Learn from your mistakes

Sometimes we feel better about our failings if we promise to learn from the experience. If you have got it wrong, review the whole situation from start to finish. Pin point exactly where you went off course. Most importantly ask yourself why. Were you uncompromising? Were you complacent? Did you fail to listen to others or notice how others were feeling? What are the lessons you can take away from this?

In life there is usually a next time. How will you respond differently? How can you be better prepared? What will you do to avoid making the same mistake? Can you start planning ahead now? What do you need to learn to avoid falling into the same trap? Can you upskill?

If you have learnt from your mistake then it is actually a good mistake. The philosopher Daniel Dennett said, ‘The chief trick to making good mistakes is not to hide them, especially not from yourself.’

Instead of beating yourself up about one failing remember all the times you got it right! Give yourself credit for making sound judgements in the past. Look at all your successes. Do not dwell on mistakes. That serves no purpose. If you are still feeling bad, talk to a close friend, admit to your self-doubts and ask them what you do get right in your life. You can honestly tell them you need a confidence boast because the mistake has shaken you.

Finally, just remember that we all have the right to be wrong sometimes!