Six Relationship Mistakes Men Make

I love it – there is a new Facebook page called Bad Dates of Melbourne. People anonymously describe terrible dates they’ve been on. I particularly liked a story about a woman having an extremely uncomfortable dinner date with a man but things got worse when he bit into steak and snapped off a front tooth. The gentleman did not seem particularly concerned about losing a tooth to his T-bone and continued the meal, smiling at his date with a tooth missing. Another woman described going home with her date to meet his parents. The father was dressed only in a dressing gown and asked his son’s date if he could watch his favourite TV show. The young woman said she had no objections so the father put on a very inappropriate film! Oh dear … how can us men get it so wrong? I have to admit that I do not have the best track record when it comes to relationships but I promise I am learning from my mistakes. After reading the ‘Bad Dates of Melbourne’ Facebook page I got to thinking about the biggest mistakes men make in relationships. After much painstaking research and reflection I compiled the following list of the top six mistakes men make.

1. You do not effectively communicate with her.

Every person on this planet is unique. No two people are the same, but the only way you are going to understand each other is to communicate. Do not be afraid to ask the woman in your life questions. Instead of assuming or guessing how she is going, ask her how she feels – why she is feeling that way and what you can do to help her. Men are often straight forward. Women can be harder to read. When a woman is angry she is not going to behave like one of your friends. She may bottle up her anger and just seem distant. The same is true when she is jealous, sad or annoyed. It is your job to figure out how she is feeling. If you can’t read her ‘signals’ tell her honestly that you are perplexed but you care about her and want to know what is troubling her. Many women feel exasperated that men can’t ‘read’ their feelings. You may want to point out that you are a dumb male but you are trying your hardest! Alternatively do not think that you need to ask her every second how she is feeling. You don’t want to be over anxious or walking on egg-shells, just be alert to any obvious changes in her demeanour and always have the courage to ask what is going on.

Remember, one of the joys of having a life partner is being able to share your experiences – your highs and lows! You may not be a big talker, but make a point of telling your woman about the best and worst parts of your day every night, and ask her how her day was. Remember a good relationship is a shared life!

2. You try to ‘fix’ her problems

Men are very practical people. If a car tyre is flat, we change it. If a door is broken, we fix it. If a woman is sad we attempt to cheer her up but often that is not what women want. They instead want their male partner to show empathy – to share the pain and show compassion. Women generally like to talk about their feelings more than men. If your partner is troubled it often pays to just sit and listen. Do not be tempted to offer solutions instead first just demonstrate that you are hearing her. You may even want to at times summarise what she is telling you, for example, ‘So you are saying that your friend let you down badly and you felt absolutely betrayed.’ Next show sympathy: ‘That is terrible. I wish that hadn’t happened to you’. A lot of guys would normally respond with something like, ‘Your friend sounds like a pain. I wouldn’t bother seeing her again.’ The bloke has summarised the problem AND offered a solution – end of conversation! However women would find that contribution unsatisfactory. To have a successful relationship you need to invest time in just listening to your partner.

3. You don’t really know her

When you are getting to know a new person, you should try to observe them in different situations to gain real insight into their personality, for example with old friends, work colleagues and family members. Remember you bring out different parts of your personality when you are with different people and the same is true of your partner. If you want to really understand your partner then observe her in many different social situations.

4. You behave selfishly

I think men are better at being selfish than women. Women are given dolls as small girls and told to ‘care’ for their doll. They are raised to be loving and nurturing. Men are given cars, trains and building blocks. They are almost being trained for careers in engineering and mechanics! We are told to achieve. We are trained to be ambitious and too often that means being self-centred. Men find it very easy to put ourselves and our own needs first. Women hate it when their man puts their work and friends above them. They feel they are not loved or appreciated. Women need you to show that you care. That means putting your needs second to her as often as possible, but please, do not think I’m asking you to become a doormat. In a good relationship there is space for the needs and aspirations of both parties.

5. She intimidates you

Your girlfriend may be the most beautiful woman in the world, but you can’t treat her like she’s made of glass. You can’t have a real relationship with someone who scares or intimidates you. Women want to be treated like real flesh-and-blood people! Show your partner the real you, and accept that she is also a real person with strengths and weaknesses.

6. You don’t offer your partner security

Trust is the most important ingredient in any relationship yet it is also very fragile. If you betray a woman, she may never trust you again. If you lie or cheat you risk shattering that trust. You may also find yourself in a relationship with a woman who has been betrayed before. She may be insecure and at times jealous. Understand that she has been hurt and try to reassure her. Tell her that you are committed to her and would never do anything to hurt her. However you cannot have a relationship with someone who is illogically jealous and possessive. Similarly no woman wants to be with a man who is clingy and jealous. Loving someone means being able to trust them.

Every relationship is a work in progress. You are going to make mistakes and so will your partner. Aim to be loving and forgiving, and persevere. A bad relationship undermines and debilitates, a good relationship supports you to become your best!