Too many people live their lives in the “can’t” zone. They don’t believe in themselves, they have capped their potential, but even worse is that they are training their children NOT to excel. Children are born with endless enthusiasm and a natural inclination to trust in their own ability. I once heard about a little kid at kinder. His teacher asked the class to draw a picture of something they knew. Some kids drew teddy bears, others drew dogs and cats and even family members. The teacher walked around the room observing each child’s work. “What are you drawing?” she asked one little boy. “I’m drawing God,” said the boy. “But no one knows what God looks like,” the teacher replied. “Well they will in a minute,” said the child.
Have Faith in your Children
Children have faith in their ability and we adults also need to have faith in them. Instead too many parents put their kids down with expressions like, “Who do you think you are?” “I know best” and “Do what you’re told”. We demand respect from our children and yet too many parents fail to respect their sons and daughters. We have what I call “an orphan heart”. We don’t show our children sufficient love. If you never praise your child, how will they grow up to feel secure and confident? Children need to know that they are loved so tell them how wonderful they are and how much they mean to you.
Have a Solid Partnership
It is also essential that their parents have a solid partnership – I am not talking about a solid marriage. The reality of life is that relationships fail, but children still need to know their parents love and respect each other. They rightly perceive them self as being 50% matter that comes from you and 50% that comes from the other parent, so if you dislike their mum or dad, children feel that you dislike part of them.
Love them Unconditionally
Love your children unconditionally. No matter what they’ve done tell them they are still your beloved. The more trouble your child gets into, the more you should love them because love is healing. Never accuse your child of being irresponsible. We only have irresponsible parents, never irresponsible children. It is up to you to guide and, if needed, rein them in. My daughter went out one night and didn’t get home by midnight as she had promised. I waited up for her and she finally appeared at 3am. I asked my daughter what she’d say if I left a million dollars in a suitcase sitting outside the house. She said she’d accuse me of being irresponsible and foolish. I explained that she was worth much more to me than $1 million and consequently I couldn’t sleep knowing something so precious was out alone and unprotected. My daughter started to cry. With girls, it’s essential you connect with them emotionally.
Show Respect
As your children grow into teenagers accord with the respect and courtesy that you’d give any adult. Never embarrass your teenaged son in front of his friends or another man. Never attack your son’s sense of dignity. Also mothers should tell their teenaged sons very clearly what they want or expect. If men don’t get the subtle messages women can convey, how is a teenager youth going to understand coded messages. Make yourself very clear.
Set Good Examples
If you want your child to be disciplined set a good example. Be disciplined in your work, your diet and your exercise regime. Don’t play your kids off each other. Never ask a child why he or she isn’t like their brother. And don’t let kids play you off against your partner.
Have Meaningful Conversations
Parents and kids come from different planets. On parent planet, parents just learn one word, “No”! Kids come from kid planet and only learn the word “Why?” Parents then respond with the meaningless phrase “because I said so”. And then all meaningful conversation ceases and you have these types of interactions:
“What are you doing?” “Nothing”
“Where are you going?” “Nowhere.”
“Who are you meeting?” “No one.”
If you want your children to talk to you, talk to them in a meaningful way. Tell them about your day and your dreams and aspirations. Remember that most millionaires have good families. So set your kids up for success, not failure.
Remember to Praise
Praise your children even when they are not doing well at school. Remember I believe that formal education will not make you wealthy. I don’t always have faith in schools. There are too many nice teachers who hate students! Or as one kid once said to me the person up the front taking class attendance is usually absent-minded. One teenager once told me that if teachers want students to follow their dreams then kids should be allowed to sleep in class!
We are reflections of our parents. I now catch myself saying things my father used to say, like. “I have to put money away now so when you’re older you can all have a house”. Parents should try to set up wealth for their children. They need to leave something behind for their children, more than just credit card debt!
Acknowledge their Differences
Remember that all children are different. You need to take into account their strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. For example you should not chastise a quiet child for once in a while being loud. There is an expression – train a child in the way they should go – train them in the way they are leaning or going. You also need to give your children some leeway as they age. They need a chance to establish their own identity. Don’t come down on them for every little misdemeanour, but you do have to make a stand over the big, significant issues. You and your children need to be very sure what the rules are and you and your partner also need to be on the same page. It’s no good being in conflict with your partner as to what is acceptable behaviour from your child. Rules need to be firm, not pliable!
Get to Know them Better
Most importantly find out who your child is becoming. Do you know what computer games your child likes to play? What music they’re into? Ask your children’s friends over for dinner and get to know the people they are spending time with. If you want to have a true friendship with your child – who will grow to be an adult before you know it – then you need to treat them as a friend and show a real interest in their life.
ABOUT PAT MESITI
Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.