How to Manage Christmas-Related Stress and Anxiety

It’s that time of year again when we’re bombarded by cheerful Christmas carol music every time we enter a shopping centre. Try turning on your television and there are non-stop commercials featuring happy families enjoying a hearty Christmas dinner, and yet we know the reality is so different. Did you know that divorce enquiries peak every year in January, because Christmas destroys a great many marriages? Some law firms say their workload doubles in January because of the number of couples separating. I read an article on the British Simplicity Legal website that said as many as one in five couples consider separating in January because of the pressures of Christmas.

Why is Christmas so hard on marriages? The key reasons are basically:

• Christmas and summer holidays place financial stress on families
• Emotional pressures increase. There is this manufactured idea that we are meant to be happy and prosperous at Christmas, but many of us feel anything but! Also spending extended time with the in-laws strains a large number of people
• A New Year’s Eve resolution may be a new start, which for some means ending an unhappy marriage.

Protect your relationship at Christmas

I want to look at ways we can safeguard our relationships from the ‘onslaught’ of Christmas. I will be honest and say that I now find the gluttony and rampant consumerism of Christmas depressing. The very first Christmas was spent in a manger— now that’s a modest setting. There were no new phones, or tablets or designer clothes given as presents. For the sake of maintaining marriages and harmonious families I believe it is time we scaled back Christmas. The Church used to celebrate the ’12 days of Christmas’, now Christmas decorations appear in the shops in October and aren’t taken down until January. When did it change from the 12-days of Christmas to the Three Months of Christmas? I love visiting the US in late November. They are preoccupied with Thanksgiving Day, so don’t inflict Christmas on you until December. How very civilized!

Back to looking at ways of caring for relationships during this stressful time of year. Many couples wait until January to separate because they do not want to deal with pain of marriage breakdown at Christmas time. Other couples may have been experiencing difficulties through the year, but being together over the holidays and with the children truly reveals the extent of their problems. I recommend doing a health check on your relationship right now. One night this week invite your partner for a long walk, perhaps on a beach and ask them how they are. What has been their highs and lows over the year? How are they feeling about the relationship? What needs to be done to make it better? If you are having some problems acknowledge that the stress of Christmas may exacerbate the problems. Next you need to put steps in place to protect the relationship. You might want to consider NOT buying expensive gifts. It might seem distressing at first, but extravagance is not what Christmas is about. Caring for others is at the heart of Christmas. This year you could consider only buying small gifts for the children, and even donating some money to a worthy charity. I love World Vision. You can buy a goat or chickens online and donate them to a third-world village.

Do not wear yourself preparing for Christmas

The last thing you want to do is wear yourself out making some huge Christmas feast. You may just end up hating your partner because they didn’t help you enough in the kitchen or do the dishes. Again this is an issue you should be talking to your other-half about right now. Say you are worried that preparing some elaborate feast will burden you and leave you miserable. Instead look at scaling back the main meal. Realistically it is better to eat baked beans on toast and have a happy day with your spouse and children. Cooking a feast and spending the afternoon arguing is not the way to go. Have the courage to buck convention. Happiness and family unity is more important than antiquated traditions.

People have been finding Christmas stressful for a very long time. Do you know that a historian Frederik Pederson of the University of Aberdeen found that the January divorce peak for divorces goes back to medieval church courts in York in the 14th Century? Pederson found that a third of the litigation heard by the church court in York (which had the power to dissolve marriages) was initiated in the month of January.

There is often a deeper issue at the core of fights

Another thing to watch is that fights may erupt about one issue, but there could be deeper concern at the heart of the matter. Family counsellor Kim Hardy said that fights about failing to help out are often started by a family member who feels unappreciated and exploited. Perhaps there is a family member – too often the wife and mother – who has not been properly thanked for her labours. She may feel eternally put upon but no one ever says, ‘Thank-you, you are marvellous’. Ms Hardy recommends helping out more but also showing this person some true thanks and ideally trying to spoil them during the festive season. Again that doesn’t mean buying expensive presents, it means telling someone to put their feet up while you do the dishes and make them a cup of tea. Also be mindful of how much alcohol you drink at Christmas. Remember it is already an emotional time and alcohol just exaggerates hurts. That is a very bad mix.

It takes two to fight

Finally, family therapist Diana Mercer reminds us that it takes two to have an argument. If you refuse to take the bait for a fight, the fight can’t happen. Emotionally you almost have to train for Christmas. It is meant to be the time of good will, but it is actually the peak time of family stress. Approach the holiday season knowing you may be tested, you may face tough times, but try to treat everyone with an abundance of love. I love what Corinthians says about love, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

If you know you are going to have a testing Christmas, write out that verse on a piece of cardboard and when you feel stressed or distressed pull it out and read it to yourself. Remember love always perseveres. I wish you the best persevering these holidays!