How to Make Family Blow-Ups Less Likely at Christmas

Christmas and the end of year holidays are just around the corner, and you know what that means – time with family and lots of it!!! I recently blogged about how Christmas can challenge relationships, but Christmas can also cause discord within the extended family. Some people struggle with their in-laws – you may be more inclined to think of yours as outlaws! Today I want to look at approaches to handling time with family members over the holiday period, especially over the all-important Christmas lunch. Let’s face it, no one wants arguments on the menu, but for many families quarrelling is inevitable, and I’ve heard countless horror stories. A friend of mine remembers his father spending Christmas lunch sitting in his car parked under a tree because he had a huge fight with his in-laws before the turkey was even carved and stormed out. Is there any way of making family blow-ups less likely?

Avoid contentious issues

My first piece of advice to you would be to avoid speaking about contentious issues. Don’t arrive saying how angry you are that Trump has recognised Jerusalem as Israel’s capital if your brother is Jewish! Don’t show up expressing your disappointment that same-sex marriage is legal in Australia if your lesbian cousin and her girlfriend have also just walked in the door. This seems like obvious advice, but not everyone agrees with me. I recently read a fascinating article by a social psychologist who advocates discussing contentious issues at family gatherings. Alexander Maki says family dinners are a great time to discuss controversial social issues. I’m not sure if Dr Maki is a little unconventional or if his parents were just much more intelligent and rational than mine. I’ve mentioned before that my father had a drinking problem and if you expressed a different view to him over a family meal, especially after he’d been drinking, you were asking for trouble. However Dr Maki believes that you should be honest about your views, especially if you want to win others over to your way of thinking. He cites research by psychologists Carl Hovland, Irving Janis, and Harold Kelley suggesting that we are more influenced by people who we like and respect, like friends and family. The research found that we are more likely to be won over to a new point of view if we trust the person delivering the information. We also pay more attention to messages from people we recognise as part of our ‘tribe’ especially if they deliver a convincing case. Conversation among family members and friends is more likely to influence us than messages from experts and academics. That means that conversations over Christmas lunch have the potential to offer new insights and ways of thinking to others. However people are only likely to be won over to a new way of thinking if they think the individual delivering the message holds many other similar values to them self. Clearly if you are meeting family members you see infrequently, and know you have nothing in common with them then this theory does not apply. Maybe it’s only safe to discuss divisive issues with your most immediate family.

Keep your temper in check

Okay, back to dealing with extended family members you don’t share common ground with. Needless to say, you need to keep your temper in check when spending time with someone who has ideas you find offensive. Perhaps you are poles apart politically. You need to remember that this person has other good qualities and traits. Sure, you might think they are politically misguided but, like you, they want the best for their children and their country. They just don’t share your views on how to achieve that. Also, we all lead different lives, and what has happened to us often leads us to different conclusions. You don’t know what has happened to this person in their life. Cut them some slack! Aim to deal with people (even annoying family members) with compassion and kindness.

Respect is the ultimate Christmas Gift

Do you remember what Aretha Franklin asked for all those years ago?  R E S P E C T find out what it means to me. Everyone deserves respect. You have no right to pour scorn over someone else’s views even if you think you are right. Be aware of other people’s feelings. You may not agree with their politics but their defensiveness and hurt are real and legitimate. Tread carefully with others. Try to be empathetic. Put yourself in their shoes. If you hurt someone, acknowledge their pain and be big enough to apologise.

What do the British say – stay calm and carry on. It’s your choice whether you escalate a disagreement or politely disagree and change topics. If you feel you are about to blow your cool, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Christmas is an emotional time. It causes financial stress for many; also there are all those expectations. The ads on the TV tell us that we should be happy and surrounded by a loving family, but that is not everyone’s reality. If an extended family member is proving difficult, pause for a minute and consider the stresses they may be under on the home front. Basically you need to meet hostility with patience and kindness.

Be careful on social media during the Festive Season

Be careful using social media in the lead up to Christmas. Believe it or not, Facebook is where a lot of family arguments begin. Psychiatrist Judith Orloff, author of Emotional Freedom, believes that social media can bring out the worst in people so stay off it in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

Remember your core values

Before catching up with difficult family members think seriously about who you are. Who do you want to be? What are your core values? Do you want to be a giving, loving person or someone who has tantrums and is rude to others? Meeting up with family can be so challenging. There is a wealth of past hurts. Many people have grievances with their parents and siblings that sit just below the surface, but they erupt into anger if just the smallest thing goes wrong. Is there a chance you will yell at your mum on Christmas Day because she burnt the gravy but you are really angry with her because she always favoured your brother? Christmas Day is not the time to sort out these issues. If you have past hurts you need to explore them. You may choose to discuss your grievances with the person in your family who hurt you, but Christmas Day (surrounded by others) is not the day to do it. If you do have a festering hurt, try writing it on a piece of paper and enclosing it in a container before you meet the person, lock it away – just for Christmas Day. This symbolic action will remind you that Christmas lunch is not the time to resolve past hurts. This needs to be done carefully and thoughtfully over a longer timeframe.

Finally, you might have to decide in consultation with family members that some topics are off limits. Agree to not discuss politics, instead concentrate on having meaningful family time. If there are children at these gatherings remember also how precious Christmas is to them. Do you remember what it was like to be a child at Christmas time?

Best of luck keeping the peace with the extended family!