Is Perfection Over-Rated?

Last night I phoned a second-cousin I hadn’t spoken to in years. I had some family news I wanted to share. I have to admit that this cousin and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. In fact we are not on good terms, although when we were younger we were really close. My cousin picked up the phone and I said, “Hi, it’s Pat” and my cousin kept saying “Hello, hello, hello?” and then hung up. I called back but the phone went straight through to message bank, so I left a message but she has not called me back.

Later I began wondering if the phone line was faulty or did my cousin pretend not to hear me because she doesn’t want to talk to me. I then rang another relative to share my news and told her about the strange phone call to the cousin. My relative said that my cousin is bonkers. I didn’t know but my cousin is also having a feud with this relative! My poor cousin, she has always been problematic. She imposes very high standards on people consequently she is often fighting with family and friends. She has cut off many family members and discontinued many friendships. I’m afraid we all inevitably fall short of her standards.

Do you accept people’s faults?

As I’ve matured as a man I’ve became much more accepting of people. For example, I have a friend who is very snobby. I’m going to call him Tom – I don’t want to reveal his actual name. When I visit Tom he laughs at me, my short statue, even my clothes and I used to feel slighted. But Tom is also incredibly reliable and generous. If you need company or a meal, you can count on him. If you need someone to drive to the mechanics to pick up your car or you have an unexpected crisis he will bail you out. But Tom still makes cutting and rude remarks, and can be very pretentious. Once I considered ending the friendship, now I’ve got to a point of acceptance. I think to myself, Tom is reliable and generous, but also a bit of a snob. That’s Tom.

Of course there are some forms of behaviour that you should not tolerate in a relationship. You cannot be with someone who hurts you – either emotionally or physically. I’m a grown man. I know myself. When Tom is being unkind I laugh it off and dismiss his remarks. I’ve grown a thick skin in my life. His bad behaviour is like water off a duck’s back. It has ceased to bother me.

Focus on people’s good traits, not their flaws

I have a great many friends in my life, and you know what – not one of them is perfect. I have an old friend who is a bit flaky, forever changing partners and jobs, but she has other personality traits that are wonderful. She is incredibly kind to her neighbours, making meals, popping in for visits. I have still other friends who I would describe as not really engaging with the world. They know sweet nothing about politics or business, but they too have traits that endear them to me. These friends are tremendous fun and always up to try something new.

I am not perfect. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. How can I expect perfection from my friends? Do you expect perfection from your friends or partner? I love the story of Persian carpets. In handmade Persian rugs and carpets the maker weaves in deliberate mistakes. Followers of Islam believe only Allah or God makes things perfectly, and to weave a perfect rug or carpet would be an insult to God. The deliberate mistake is in the pattern and is difficult to spot. They can be as subtle as a different colour used in a flower petal. Let’s face it, at first our flaws are difficult to spot, but as you get to know someone their faults become more obvious.

Buyers beware, especially in love!

My daughters are young women. I always warned them that when it comes to men, take your time getting to know a romantic partner. It’s easy to fall head over heels in love, but you don’t really know the person you are falling for. It’s better to be governed by your head not your heart. It takes a long time to get to know someone and recognise their faults, be cautious in love.

I In reality TV shows like The Bachelor or Married at First Sight contestants have lists that go something like this: “I want someone who is sporty, fit, confident, artistic, clever, ambitious, has a great sense of humour and a fantastic body, has a good job, likes to travel and go out. Oh, and I only date really muscular tall guys with green eyes and dark hair.” I sit on the couch, thinking, ‘Get real – you want to date Superman!’

A good heart is hard to find …

Do you know that old Feargal Sharkey song, ‘A Good Heart’? The lyrics go, ‘a good heart these days is hard to find, true love, the lasting kind. A good heart these days is hard to find so please be gentle with this heart of mine.’ It is true – a good heart is hard to find. If you find someone with a good heart, grab them with both hands. I have met so many women who say stuff like, ‘I met my husband. He wasn’t the type I usually go for. I am normally attracted to muscular fair-haired men, but he won me over and he is such a great guy to be married to.’ Clever people know it’s not what is on the outside but on the inside that counts. They also know you may not get your shopping list of desirable traits, but if you are lucky enough to find someone who makes you happy and who loves you then you have hit the jackpot. The same is true of friends. We all have faults, but focus on people’s good qualities not their flaws. Be accepting of your friends.

If I could talk to my dear cousin, I would like to say to her, ‘I am not perfect. No one is, but we have had good times in the past. We know how to have fun together. Stop expecting everyone to be perfect. Accept people for who they are and be tolerant because having lots of friends and family around ultimately enriches your life.’