How to Manage People Who Put Us Down

Have you ever been attacked or insulted by a family member or someone in your social circle or even someone at work? Why do people put other people down? The answer is simple. Because they do not feel good about themselves. Well-balanced confident people do not need to attack or criticise others, but people who feel inferior or jealous lash out and hurt others.

If someone is mean and critical of another it speaks volumes not of the target of the abuse, but of the abuser. People who put others down are generally chasing power. They need to feel in command, perhaps because they are desperate to hide their own flaws.

The other main reason people are abusive is because they have learned this behaviour pattern. They believe it is normal. It is sad to think some people grew up in a house where all they got was abuse and criticism from their parents.

When dealing with abusive people it is crucial you learn to protect yourself.

Try to stay removed

This is a tough ask but you need to emotionally remove yourself from the situation. Rather than feeling hurt, slighted or angry you must say to yourself, this is about you not me. Do not try to match the abuser’s level of antagonism. Do not return fire by shooting hurtful or insulting remarks at your attacker. This is really what they want. It is evidence that their arrow has hit the mark. You are playing into their hands. Remember by staying detached you are thwarting their plans. And do you want to become a nasty pasty? No! Do not let a mean person rob you of the essence of your soul.

Laughter may be the best medicine

Another option is to laugh off the offensive remark or even try to blindside your attacker with the comment, ‘You may be right’ however if the offensive person realises they have not upset you they may ramp up their attack.

You need to leave the situation if you are distressed

You need to try to contain this person’s bad behaviour. You might say a curt remark to shut them down, for example ‘Thank you for your comment now let’s move along.’

If someone is being offensive, the best course of action is to remove yourself from the situation. You do not need this person’s anger. Just let it go and get out of there.

Tell your attacker how they made you feel

The best approach is always to stay calm and state that you don’t like being spoken to that way. You may need to point how that the individual’s supposedly funny comment is actually offensive. The individual might be distressed to learn they’ve offended you. If you don’t know the person well, do not jump to the conclusion that they have set out to hurt you. It’s a different story if someone has a track record of getting you down!

Remember you don’t need other people’s approval

They say that wild dogs can smell fear. They smell it in other animals and go in for the kill. Sometimes I think mean people are the same. They can smell a lack of confidence or nervousness and choose to attack that individual. Remember you don’t need anyone’s approval to feel good about yourself. If you feel that you’re unlovable, then people will treat you that way. If you feel you only deserve put downs and sarcasm, then that is what you will get. If you feel that you’ve been the target of bullies more than once, then perhaps you need to look at ways of boosting your confidence. Invest in a good assertiveness training book, take up martial arts, read positive affirmations every day, and be mindful that you need to tell people who are being hurtful to stop, or at the very least leave the room.

People who put us down at work are called bullies

Bullying at work contravenes Australian occupational health and safety laws. Safe Work Australia, defines bullying as repeated and unreasonable behaviour directed towards a worker or group of workers that creates a risk to health and safety.

It is a risk to health and safety because it can affect the mental and physical health of workers. Bosses and workers must take steps to prevent it happening and respond quickly. Bullying can take different forms including psychological, physical or even indirect – for example deliberately excluding someone from work-related activities. It can be obvious and it can be subtle, which means it’s not always easy to spot.

Some examples of workplace bullying include:

• abusive or offensive language or comments
• aggressive and intimidating behaviour
• belittling or humiliating comments
• practical jokes or initiation
• unjustified criticism or complaints.

According to Work Safe, workplace bullying can seriously harm worker mental health with common outcomes being depression, psychological distress and emotional exhaustion. Workplaces must minimise the risk of workplace bullying by taking a proactive approach to identify early, any unreasonable behaviour and situations likely to increase the risk of workplace bullying from occurring. Work places are legally obliged to stop bullying.

What to do if you experience bullying according to Work Safe is to:

• Check if your workplace has a bullying policy and reporting procedure you can follow. The policy should outline how your workplace will prevent and respond to the bullying.
• If you feel safe and comfortable doing this, calmly tell the other person that you object to their behaviour and ask them to stop it. They may not realise the effect their behaviour is having on you or others, and your feedback may give them the opportunity to change their actions.
• Seek advice from another person, for example a supervisor or manager, human resources officer or health and safety representative to help you work out if the behaviour you have been experiencing is workplace bullying, as early as possible.

In some circumstances, an order to prevent or stop a worker being bullied can be made under the Fair Work Act 2009 by contacting the Australian Fair Work Commission directly.

No one should have to tolerate people putting them down at work or home.