How to Get Someone You Care About to Listen

Posted on: October 2nd, 2018 in Mindset by Pat Mesiti | No Comments

Do you remember that old Pseudo Echo song from 1984, ‘Listening’. The lyrics remind me of a couple bickering. The words go, “I say, you say, weren't you listening, Now it's too late
You're not listening.” When you think about it, it’s a funny song because two people say in unison “Weren’t you listening?” That effectively means both were talking and neither was listening.

Do you know how to get people to listen to you? Can you communicate effectively with family members and friends? Can you communicate with the people you work with? I want to look at some skills to get people to really open up and hear what you are saying.

In this blog I will focus on getting family to listen. In the next blog I will look at getting work colleagues to listen.

Less is more

When it comes to getting loved ones to take a message on board often less is more. You just need to get to the point. Deliver your message in clear, concise language and then stop and let your loved one digest what you have said. Don’t deliver a half hour lecture. Don’t get emotional or mean, just put it out there.

Be prepared to listen

Sometimes when we have a point to make we rehearse the whole conversation in our head. We are adamant before we even open our mouth that we have to convince our loved ones that we are right. After communicating our key message instead of listening to their response with an open heart we are already formulating our rebuttal. We are listening only in terms of trying to figure out how to discredit or undermine their response. We are listening in anticipation of defending our argument or winning the next point. This is not truly listening. Instead we need to stop and think, maybe they are right. Maybe they have a point.

Do not use confrontational language

Too often we leave it too long to speak to a loved one about something that is troubling us. I know a woman who lives with a close friend. Her friend is an artist who likes producing HUGE pieces of art work. Often my friend comes home from work to find a new painting covering an entire wall of the apartment. She is never asked if she likes or wants the art. My friend let the situation continue for years and eventually when she did speak to her artist flatmate she exploded, and yelled, “Why have you stuck your rubbish paintings on every wall of our home? I’m over it.” Needless to say it damaged their relationship. The moment you attack someone they stop listening to you.

It is fine to be direct and straight forward, but you do not want to be offensive or combative or speak abrasively.

When you communicate with family members or friends, use conciliatory loving language. Speak in a tone that is calming and kind. Keep the conversation civil. What will you achieve by fighting?

Offer your perspective, and do not blame

When you are communicating with someone close to you, you still only have the right to offer your viewpoint. You cannot tell the other person what they think or what their motives are. You are only entitled to say what you did and how you feel. If you start telling your adult child or husband that they have been thoughtless and self-centred because they didn’t do the shopping, you are judging them. You are not giving this person the opportunity to explain their behaviour. For example, they might have been struggling to meet a deadline at work or put in a university assignment, consequently, they neglected to do the shopping. You can avoid judging and criticising by keeping what you have to say to your perspective. For example you can say that you felt hurt and let down because you had to shop for everyone this week and last week. You had no time to do the things you like. You felt angry and disappointed with the family.

Sometimes you have to spell things out

My friend wanted to see Paul McCartney when Sir Paul last visited Australia. My friend asked his wife if she wanted to come and she said no. She said no because she didn’t think they could afford two tickets. My friend thought his wife said no because she didn’t like Paul McCartney, so my friend bought two tickets and took his best friend to the concert, not his wife. The couple ended paying for two tickets but the wife never got to see the ex-Beatle in concert, and, gosh, was she furious when she found out what had happened. This couple failed to communicate effectively. They only had half the conversation they needed to have. When he asked her if she wanted to go, she should have said, “Yes, I’d love to, but I am worried about spending all that money.” He would have then replied, “Actually I’ve squirrelled away some money to do something special for my birthday, and I want to see Paul McCartney. Having you by my side will make the night even more special.”

Earlier I wrote that less is more, but please say what needs to be said. Ladies, don’t expect men to intuitively guess what you are thinking. That is how you destroy relationships. Men are not psychic. You need to say what you want and why. Neither women nor men are great at reading between the lines. Be clear and include all relevant information.

Again, remember to only speak from your perspective, but tell it straight. If you want your flatmate to do his or her share of the cleaning, then say so. Don’t meander and attack them for being messy and disorganised. They can be as messy and disorganised as they like. You are not their mother or father. You do not control them. Your only concern is that you should not do all the housework. Tell them that and that only.

Try the sandwich approach

Teachers are taught to offer constructive criticism as a sandwich. Start with a positive comment about what the person does well. Deliver your message, for example they need to share the responsibility and every fortnight put the rubbish bins out. Finish the message (or sandwich) with another positive, for example you appreciate all the other housework they do.

Avoid bringing up ancient history

Stay focused on what you are trying to achieve. You may want your flatmate to stop eating your food. Do not remind your flatmate that he or she also borrowed one of your tops two years ago and returned it with a stain. Stay on message. This conversation is about groceries. It is no good holding on to past grievances, and bringing them up every time you want to ask someone to do better.

Remember that you are no angel.

Make your point, state your feelings and then move on. You might also want to consider what role you played in creating a less-than-satisfactory situation. For example, my cousin complains that her family doesn’t help around the house, but whenever her husband or children offer to assist she waves them away. “Mum, can I get dinner?” her daughter will ask, but my cousin will insist everything is under control. The next moment she is whingeing that no one does anything. She is also very critical of other people’s efforts. She believes that no one cooks or cleans as well as she does. She needs to understand that she is the reason the family do not contribute around the house. She needs to take ownership of the situation.

Agree to disagree

Sometimes you will find yourself at loggerheads with a family member or friend. There is no point escalating the situation if neither of you is willing to compromise. The most important thing is that you both say your piece. You have voiced your views, given your perspective. You must treat each other with respect, and keep it civil. Agree to disagree. If you are constantly butting heads with someone and you feel like your needs are not being accommodated then you have a problem. It might be time to consider relationship co

ABOUT PAT MESITI

Pat Mesiti is a best-selling author, coach and educator in the area of personal development. Having built some of Australia’s largest people-driven organisations, Pat understands the power of harnessing human potential. He has shared the stage with some of the world’s great business minds and has sold over millions of copies of his books and materials.

 

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