How to Effectively Deal With Passive Aggressive People

I met up with a friend the other day, whose job is causing him grief. He is working on a difficult project with a difficult person. The deadline for completion of the project is just a week away, but his work colleague sounds like a nightmare. We’ll call this difficult work colleague Jeff, and to protect the identity of my friend, we’ll call him Pete.

Jeff isn’t outwardly aggressive. At first Pete thought Jeff was insecure and a bit of an introvert. Jeff is softly spoken and meek. He is late submitting work, and his strategies aren’t properly thought out. Pete and Jeff were assigned to work on a big project together. At first Pete stepped up to help Jeff as much as he could. When Jeff missed deadlines Pete stepped in and did extra work. When Jeff’s work was poorly done, Pete corrected many of his mistakes. Rather than thank him, Jeff complained to work colleagues that Pete was interfering. Pete tried to have an open and honest conversation with Jeff. Pete would straight up ask Jeff what the problem was and Jeff would skirt around the issues and say very little. Later he would complain to colleagues that Pete was again interfering or being overbearing. Eventually when the boss asked what was going on, Jeff complained directly about Pete. Jeff, who has missed deadlines and been disorganised, openly accused Pete of derailing the project. The boss doesn’t know what to think and the deadline for completion of this work is fast looming.

The passive-aggressive personality

I would describe Jeff as a passive-aggressive personality. I’m sure that underneath his softly spoken exterior he is an angry man. It’s usually easy to spot an aggressive person. They appear fierce and menacing. They raise their voices and don’t respect your personal space, but the passive-aggressive personality is much harder to detect. In fact most people, like Pete, don’t realise they are dealing with a passive aggressive until it’s too late.

Passive-aggressiveness is the trait of carrying out indirect expressions of hostility through subtle acts like sulking or silence, stubbornness, or failure to complete tasks or meet deadlines. Passive aggression is defined as a deliberate and masked way of expressing deep feelings of anger (Long, Long & Whitson, 2008). Passive aggression involves an array of behaviours to hurt other people however the deep-buried anger is at first hard to spot.

Manifestations of Passive-Aggression

It's not known why some people are passive-aggressive. It could be a combination of their genetics, a troubled upbringing and bad luck in life.

Some identifiable traits of passive-aggressive behaviours are:

• avoiding responsibilities
• carrying out responsibilities late, not at all, or inefficiently
• sulking or the silent treatment
• ‘forgetting’ to do things or using forgetfulness as an excuse not to do things
• being reluctant to accept others’ suggestions or good advice
• being afraid of those in positions of authority
• having pent-up feelings of anger
• resenting and blaming other people

Passive-aggressive people don't disagree or voice their hostility openly. Instead they subtly undermine you. Paula De Angelis has studied passive-aggressive behaviour in the workplace and says often these people get promoted. “It would actually make perfect sense that those promoted to leadership positions might often be those who on the surface appear to be agreeable, diplomatic and supportive, yet who are actually dishonest, backstabbing saboteurs behind the scenes,” she said. Needless to say passive-aggressive behaviour is bad for team unity and moral at work.

How to deal with the passive aggressive

I want to think well of other people so if someone is quiet, running late or even a bit disorganised I’m likely to just think they are having a bad day and give them another chance, but it’s when these behaviours start reoccurring again and again that you have to ask – is this an unhealthy behaviour pattern?

Never think you are the one with the problem – the person who is going nuts. If you see an odd pattern accept that it’s real. Take action. Never trust this person. Draw up boundaries. Start documenting their behaviour at work and note down who witnesses it. Sadly you might one day find you have to defend yourself like my friend Pete. Passive-aggressive people operate covertly. I would advise keeping away from them, but often we are forced to deal with them at work or in family situations.

Talk straight to the passive-aggressive

Passive aggressive people are master of avoidance but there is no point playing their game. Do not try to tell them that their behaviour is damaging because this is accusatory and remember these people go all out to avoid confrontation or honesty. Better is to honestly tell them the impact their behaviour is having on you. You could say that you feel disrespected when they do not inform you of a change of plans.

Let them know that there will be consequences

If possible let them know that there will be consequences for their behaviour. Tell them that you have documented the number of times they have missed deadlines.

Realise that you are dealing with a difficult person

Therapist Stacy Kaiser said passive-aggressive people are not going to change their behaviour because they’re upsetting people. If anything that is the point of the behaviour. Think seriously about what you will achieve by confronting a passive-aggressive. In many ways it is better to minimise your interactions.

Be understanding

It is hard to show compassion and understanding towards a passive aggressive person who has tried to hurt you but it can also be an effective way of managing them.

You could say something like, “It seems like you are frustrated by what happened at the meeting yesterday. That must be difficult.” Passive-aggressive people often feel misunderstood but if you try to understand what makes them tick it may help you to cope with their behaviour. However I am not advising you to become their bestie – remember you are dealing with an angry untrustworthy person. All I’m saying is work out their rationale and then manage them accordingly. Take care!