How To Better Manage Our Emotions

I really don’t like hearing stories of road rage. I dislike that people think they can behave like thugs because someone cut them off or blew their horn. Why can’t these people control their anger? Instead they lash out at someone they don’t even know. Can you control your emotions? Are there some emotions you can control like fear or disgust but other emotions get the better of you, like anger or sadness? I have a friend who frequently cries in public, because she cannot keep her sadness over life’s losses in check.

A study by Glasgow University found that people have six basic emotions – happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust. Of course all of these emotions have different sub-categories of emotions, for example disappointed is a type of sadness. But how do you go about controlling the big six emotions – happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust?

Managing your emotions does not mean ignoring how you feel or supressing your emotions. Suppressing emotions is bound to lead to psychological problems in the future. It is vital that you acknowledge and own your emotions.

Try to name the emotion you feel when you are in a heightened state of mind. Are you agitated? Frightened? Disappointed? Sometimes it’s hard for us to recognise our own feelings. For example we can become angry when we feel ashamed or embarrassed. Ask what is causing you to behave in this way. Try to identify the emotion at your core. Once we identify the emotion, we are better able to control it.

Be aware that emotions affect the way we see the world

Our feelings can colour the way we see things. If we are already angry we are more likely to over-react to a work colleague who slights us, whereas normally we would laugh it off. Always be aware that your emotions affect the way you see the world. You might not be seeing the world clearly. Try to step out of your emotion. It sounds crazy but attempt to assume the personality of the most level-headed friend you have, now react to the situation. How would they respond? What would they do? I bet their reaction wouldn’t be as emotional as yours!

The chemistry of our brain affects our emotions

Our emotions are impacted by our physical well-being and the chemical balance in our brains. If we are tired and hungry we tend to be short-tempered and angry. Exercise releases a number of chemicals which help us feel good. Physical activity stimulates the release of endorphins, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. This helps regulate your mood and keeps you in high spirits. Are you exercising regularly? Next time you find yourself in a bad mood go for a walk, or better still, go for a run.

Accept that you are human

Being human means having emotions. You cannot turn your emotions on and off like a light switch. You are not a robot. Sometimes we are going to be overrun by an emotion that makes us feel terrible, and guess what? That is part of being human! When you are next feeling really sad or very angry accept that this is just part of the human experience. Wishing your emotions would disappear or stop is not helpful. Think about the seasons of the year. We have summer and spring, but we also have to endure cold winters. Emotions are much like seasons, there will be summers and winters.

At other times our values will be in conflict with our emotions. We will be jealous of a friend’s success, when the higher part of our personality wants to applaud the friend. The more you want to live according to your values, the more your emotions will rise up and challenge you. Again, this is all part of being human.

There is no such thing as good and bad emotions

Californian psychologist Rob Kendall explains that we tend to view emotions as good or bad. For example happiness is good, while fear is bad, and we try to avoid or suppress ‘bad’ emotions. Bottling up emotions is never healthy because eventually they will find a release. If you refuse to acknowledge past trauma, it’s inevitable that it will impact future relationships. The truth is that we need to live with the full-range of our emotions, and accept them. Next time you are grieving for a loss, allocate yourself some time every day to feel truly sad – some time to sit and meditate over your loss – anywhere from half an hour to an hour. Spend that time acknowledging your sadness then after 30 minutes or an hour, get up and continue living your life. You will find that allocating time to experience your emotions helps you to control them. The same is true of anger. If someone has led you to feel angry it helps to find an outlet for that anger. Maybe you need to write that person a letter and let them know that they have hurt you. Maybe you also need to punch some cushions or do a boxing exercise class. Find a way to acknowledge, feel and channel the emotion.

Emotions are a part of you, but not ‘you’

Emotions are what makes us human, what makes us real but you are not your emotions. You may often feel anger, but that does not make you an ‘angry person’. You are a person with values, love, friends and family, who (like all people) feels emotions – both positive and negative. Own your feelings but do not let them define you. You are not an angry or sad or pessimistic person. You are a normal human who at times, given the circumstances, may be feeling a particular emotion strongly. Let yourself feel that emotion and if need be, seek professional help from a counsellor, once you have processed it, the emotion will pass.

Remember also that regardless of your emotion, regardless of how passionate you feel, you also have a choice on how you will react. Remember I began this blog, referencing road rage. If someone cuts you off on the road, would you get out of your car and physically assault the driver? I’m sure you wouldn’t. You would choose to behave with dignity. Avoid using your emotions as an excuse for bad behaviour. That is not controlling your emotions – that is allowing your emotions to control you!