Are You a Victim Or a Survivor?

When it comes to having a positive attitude to life there is one universal truth you need to accept, and it is a hard truth – life is not fair! A lot of people spend their lives complaining that they’ve been hard done by because: they had dreadful parents, they married a person who treated them badly, and they’ve been discriminated against at work. They spend their whole lives feeling sorry for themselves. They become ‘victims’ and believe that the world has treated them badly – it wasn’t their fault and they claim they are powerless to change the situation. Well, the bad things that happened probably weren’t their fault however these people are destined to live unfulfilled unhappy lives because they have developed a victim mentality.

Just accept it – life is unfair!

Life is unfair. Horrible things happen to innocent people. Next time you are feeling sorry for yourself look at some news footage out of Syria. Look at the faces of small children who’ve been dug out from underneath rubble and have lost their parents. That should give you some perspective and you’ll realise your problems aren’t as big as you thought! But just remember many of those children will find the resilience and strength to rebuild their lives and their country. They will not sit around feeling sorry for themselves. They will refuse to be ‘victims’.

The victim mentality fundamentally stems from a feeling of powerlessness. Victims believe things happen to them and they are powerless to change their fate. That is a debilitating mindset. Victims feel that they are casualties of other peoples’ actions. At their core victims believe: I’m never going to achieve anything: People are untrustworthy and will always let you down; Life is hard and unhappy.

To succeed in life we need to find solutions

This outlook leads people to conclude that there is nothing they can do to change their situation. In life all of us will encounter challenges and problems, but to succeed we need to come up with strategies and solutions. Maybe our first solution won’t work, then we have to try again, but the most important thing is that we never stop trying to take control in life. A person with a victim mentality does not do this. They believe they are beaten before they start. Perhaps when faced with trouble they’ll make a half-hearted attempt to sort it out, but if they encounter resistance they will quickly throw in the towel and again wallow in defeat!

You can spot a victim a mile away.

Victims talk frequently about the harm done to them, concluding it wasn’t their fault. Victims seldom recognise common themes in their behaviour. For example a man or woman who consistently enters relationships with an abusive partner will not be able to see that this is their behaviour pattern. Victims go through life passively, they lack resilience but at their core have feelings of anger and powerlessness. Successful people refuse to be victims regardless of how hard life has been. They refuse to focus on the past, and instead concentrate their effort on reshaping their future.

Victims need to learn to take control

To overcome the victim mentality, the individual must take responsibility for their situation. Sometimes it is helpful for victims to accept that they allowed people to treat them badly. They were complicit, now it is up to them to turn the situation around.

If you believe you have a victim mindset, I want to say to you first that I am not denying that bad things have happened to you. No one is born a victim. Many victims were abused in some way as children, perhaps physically, sexually or emotionally. We cannot control what happens to us as children, but as adults it is our duty to take control of our lives and reclaim the responsibility of caring for our own well-being and happiness. That means it is now all down to you!

Here are some guidelines for breaking out of the victim mindset:

1. Listen to how you speak

   Are you giving other people control of your life. Do you say things like ‘you are upsetting me’, ‘you are being hurtful’. I want you to replace all those ‘yous’ with ‘I’s’. For example ‘I feel sad when you say things like that’. You need to take responsibility for feeling sad. Or ‘I feel hurt when you speak like that’. Again note that you are allowing yourself to feel hurt. What are your options – because you always have options – do you have to listen to the hurtful person? Walk away. Give them an ultimatum to stop or you will no longer enter into conversations with them.

2. You are a survivor NOT a victim

   You may have experienced abuse but you are still here! Have pride in yourself. You get knocked down sometimes but you have the courage to get up again and keep going. Chose to embrace life. A victim thinks the world has cheated them, a survivor is grateful for every day they have on this planet. A victim lives in the past, a survivor takes control of their future. Be careful – self-pity is addictive. It means you can avoid taking responsibility for the future. Instead aim to develop a survivor mindset. Put time aside every day to think empowering survivor thoughts. Carry positive affirmations with you and read them several times a day. It will take time to retrain your brain to think like a survivor not a victim, but you can do it. Remember I survived two alcoholic parents. I refuse to be beaten.

3. Love yourself

   Maybe you had a family who were not capable of really loving you. I had a family like that! Now YOU need to look after yourself. Do not berate yourself for making mistakes in the past. We all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up! You may have been the victim of incompetent parents, now do not become the victim of your own negative thinking! Be kind and gentle to yourself. If you need to, find a counsellor who will help you learn how to care for yourself.

4. Pray or meditate

   I am very lucky in that I have faith. I know it’s hard to change thought patterns and seek God’s help. If you believe, ask our God of Love to heal you. I love this verse from the Bible – 2 Corinthians 4:8-10:‘We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.’ That is because we know we are never alone and we don’t have to do this alone. God is always with us! If you are not a believer still devote time every day to meditating. Examine your beliefs. Be careful that you do not have destructive thoughts in your head. Ask yourself what thoughts are causing you to suffer, and cast them out.

5. Remind yourself that you have the power

   It takes time to break the victim mindset. I suggest putting time aside everyday – just a few minutes at lunch perhaps – to remind yourself that YOU are responsible for your life. YOU have the power to change.

6. Positive actions

   Be grateful for what you have. Again I am not denying that you have suffered but you are still alive. Be grateful for every blessing – your health, family, friends, the blue sky, sunlight! Try to frequently do something nice for another person. People with victim mindsets are self-focussed. You may not realise it, but often you seek pity from others. Take the focus off yourself and do a favour for someone who needs some help! Believe it or not, our own kindness can reaffirm our belief in people and this world!

Changing any mindset is hard work and will take time, but being a victim is exhausting. You will find being a survivor energising and rewarding. Good luck as you move from victim to survivor!