A Lesson in the Art of Saying ‘No’

I had a strict Italian father, who rarely (make that never) praised me. If you grow up with strict European parents you spend your life trying to please them. That’s like getting blood out of a stone. Unfortunately you end up with a people-pleasing personality and spend the rest of your life trying to win people over – you learned that habit as a child and it’s a hard one to break. And you know what happens then? People take advantage of you! They ask extravagant favours of you, they dump work on you, they neglect their own duties knowing that you’ll pick them up. And what’s your reaction? You say, “YES!” Yes, I’ll do that for you. Yes, I’ll do your chores. Yes, I’ll watch your back so the boss never finds what a slacker you are.” But deep down you know you should be saying, “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Today I want to run through the art of saying no. I want to teach you how to stand your ground.

1. Listen to your inner voice

Often when you agree to do something you don’t want to do, you feel a sense of disappointment; almost sadness. You know you don’t want to do this job. You know you are being taken advantage of. However when you experience these feelings of discontent and disenchantment, you swallow them. You push them down and tell yourself stories so you’ll feel better. You tell yourself, it’s not really a big job, you’ll enjoy it or you’ll knock it over in no time. Please, stop doing that. Tell yourself the truth. You don’t want to do that job. You would like to go home on time. You’d like some downtime! If you want to learn how to say no, you first have to admit to yourself that you want to say no. It’s almost like the first step in giving up drinking or drugs. You first have to admit that you have a problem.

2. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed

Another sad fact about people who struggle to say no, is that we were often emotionally exploited by our parents. We were made to feel responsible for our parents’ emotional wellbeing. They told us stuff like, “Be good, or you will make your mother sad.” That is rubbish. You can only make yourself sad, not me – I was a child. An emotionally exploitative parent might say, “You’ve got a great school report. I love you so much.” As a child you deserve to be loved by your parents whether you have a good, average or bad school report. This kind of subtle messaging has brainwashed us into believing that we are responsible for other people’s moods. That is not true. As individuals we are responsible for our own state of mind, no one else – and especially not our children.

Those of us who were emotionally blackmailed as children are still on a quest to make others happy, hence we can’t stand saying no, even to the most manipulative people. We try to refuse their ridiculous request and their mouth is downcast, their eyes forlorn, so we relent. “OK, I’ll do it.” Instead you need to stand firm and say no! Saying no may cause someone to get emotional, but you have to be respected not exploited. And over time people will respect you if you stand your ground. 

It is not good for your health to be constantly exploited. Resentment will build up and up inside you. Your health will suffer because you are denying your emotions. You may find a deep bitterness hardens inside you and over time you grow to hate the people who ask too much of you.

Wouldn’t it be better if you just learned to say no? Learning to say no will improve your relationships with others, not harm them.

3. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself? When was the last time you had a massage or went to a spa or even just to the movies in the daytime? You can’t just keep giving and giving to people when you are running on empty. You need to claim time for yourself. You need to say no to requests and set aside you-time. You must relax and re-charge. Walk on the beach, read a good book, do a fitness class, catch up with an old friend. How much time will you give yourself each week? I think you need at least four hours off just for you every week. 

4. Strategies for refusing

Be direct and simple, just say “Sorry but I can’t.” Expect the other person to argue you. Do not enter into a debate or they will win you over. Just keep it simple and repeat, “Sorry, but I just can’t.”

Do not lie and pretend you have something else on. You will get caught out. If the person is badgering you, try to appease them by saying, “Look, I’ll come back to you but I doubt it’s possible.” If they keep badgering you, repeat this several times, “Look, I’ll come back to you but I doubt it’s possible.” If they follow up with an email or phone call say, “Sorry but I can’t and I said it looked unlikely.” Remember keep it direct and simple but be constant in your refusal. This is much better than feeling angry with the person later.

If you are new to saying no, practise it out loud and into a mirror. Think of different times when you want to say no: at work; to family members; neighbours; your partner. Rehearse them. If you are still struggling to say no, ask a close friend if they will practice with you. Ask them to rate your performance refusing. Ask for tips. Persevere until you have the art of nay-saying down pat.

Finally, never forget that you cannot take charge of your life or your future until you learn how to say that short, simple, beautiful word – “No”.